The Fiver Aspects Of The Demiurge [Chapter 4]

nun

Chapter 4

Five Aspects Of The Demiurge

It is one of those quiet before battle moments when soldiers will take stock of their lives and often see it wanting. Times for great dreams to be formulated then forgotten as they weld their own lives to others, to systems and things they barely understood, barely hated but loved nonetheless. It is this time for Longinus Aquamelde, the barracks were silent and still. His mind ‘worked’ as it always did. Between the lines Longinus, between the lines. Will you ever remember those times when your sins were always at hand to be fettled and wept over in times of stillness? Something ached inside of him

He moves his hand through his Black hair and he wonders. He looks at his hands scarred by Fire and War, the muscles in his arms Iron made from casting weapons at enemy, castigating the fallen, arms that are guilty of Crimes. In the afternoon light his hands, not innocent hands. Others would look to their Gods for some sense of order and justice but not him.

He strapped on his leather armour, they would be going into the madness of the City, a thing that disgusted him. He strapped a brace upon his throwing arm and for a moment he sees another man sat on the edge of another bed. He held a Gun to his lips and thought about the filed hair trigger, the merest slip of a sweated hand. Even as he gasped to understand the word ‘gun’ he knew it’s purpose and then shaking his head the vision subsided. The sun perhaps, it was hot here, hallucinations, mirages. The vision was strange.

Longinus had the ‘Skull’ job. A companion or Guard to five condemned men. The people of the deserts loved their great processions of the condemned, they loved their great Temple Courts and the berating of the unholy, the thieves, the liars, the Adulterers. Unaware that of course, the greatest of these heretics were the ones in judgement. The Priests of their Temples were a disgusting thing. Coiled asinine embroidered evil. In their Temple the stink of unholiness. There was Human excrement everywhere here, the stink of Humanity, the stink of piss, it made his mouth sour.

The noise of his men was deafening in the small alleys that surrounded the Temple. The temper of his command as loud of course, angry, annoyed and this emotional time displayed itself as his men kicked and punched their way through the throng of people on route to the spectacle their Priests and Shamans had announced that afternoon. Surly looks at the backs of them, the people of this place were sick and violent. Above him the sky roiled and tossed and rays of brilliant light shone through the bars of dust in the sky.

He waited with his men in order in the street of the ‘Seven Eyes’ in the City of Jerusalem. Bidden by Superiors to stand ready to receive the Prisoners and escort them to the place of their execution. It was a dirty street much occupied by Prostitutes, the Faithful and the filth of the City.

It disgusted Longinus and he was wary of it as many Soldiers of Rome had met their end their with a knife or a rope while carousing on rare days off. Now the place was out of bounds to them by order of the Consul. It was ordered some months past now that the patience of Rome in it’s glory would not allow soldiers within their places of Worship. Longinus would have put all Jerusalem to the sword. For was not the will of Rome expressed through it’s power?

This wait would not allow his men good moods. It would irk them to be sure, and Longinus would wryly smile at their madness and cussing for at least a night. This Hell he was in, who did he blame for this? This posting was a curse, he had wronged someone obviously, a whisper that crept into stupid minds and a thirst for revenge maybe. Longinus mentally ticked off the people he had angered, the list was long. The Sun was low anyhow, the heat of the day would be gone and darkness he hoped would hide him and his men away from guilt but more importantly the Sun although Winter distant still hot. His head wavered and nodded for a moment and he could feel sand between his fingers and a heavy cloak upon him…

The Abyss yawns in front of me like a sun dazed Dog, like a stretched Cunt. I see the things this Soul sees, I see and feel the dust, the shallow heat and the disgust he feels. This hallucination breathes in me, it feeds me delights, smells, all the senses. I feel like casting myself into the bottomless pit as is my want and as is my right. As Adam the first man knew the pain of Chaos and Love and that sin to him and others was the need to finish the fantasy with his own death. We have stolen you. We have you as Toys for amusement. We Farm you. Our hands scratch the story of their lives in the sand. I manipulate myself in the past from here in my future. All time is meaningless, is a non existent thing.

…a moment when words fluttered around his head and cut through the noise, the sounds. It was clear these words were…but no matter. The moment gone, the words in his mind forgotten. An inhabitant of that place falls into him and he shoves them away hard. They fall into the crowd injured, it was a woman. For a second he felt ashamed and then not. Her breasts had fallen free from her robe, the hands that helped did nothing but grope and she cared not.

There was much noise and coming and going of people who continued to jostle and push to seek a clearer place to view or to surround one who spoke at length about the scenes inside the temple. There were many of these people and it made travel hard. Longinus put out a foot and sent an unfortunate soul flying into the crap piled in the middle of the street. Such filth, such disgust.

Still, the air above hung like a wet sheet, that Sun made from White hot Bronze getting lower as the afternoon passed. His Leather armour chafed but he didn’t feel it physically. Too experienced, too sure of his vocation. The slickness of his sweat a lubricant that allowed him to shift position for Battle easily. His Men stood beside a Great Golden door, in it marked the legends and the stories of these people. The crowd spilled out into the Street, swearing, groping, alive with their sins and sure to add to them as the mass made anonymity sure.

Presently from the Temple a rising of voices and the door was flung open, it disgorged a mass of people all vying for position and place. Grabbing and clawing, smashing and treading to move away form the multitude and gain a better position. Longinus used the flat of his sword to beat a way to the heavy doors and clear a space, his men did the same, entering into the fray with much gladness as it was supposed to be their Leave night, gambling and drenching themselves in Wine and Whores. Blood fell in great drops. These men were not gentle.

‘Move you fuckers’ one of his men, Sarfus his voice high pitched and comical, but he was a man of great strength that belied his womanly voice. Branus from Carthage laughing as he broke heads with the butt of his Sword. Eventually a space was made and Gordianus The Principalis blew out of the Temple like a cork from a bottle, his Red face even redder than it normally was.

‘Fuck this shit and mess! Said Longinus under his breath, then to Branus louder, ‘they will come out violent and it is a plot made in dark places for these men, there is anger here and something else, I want this performed quickly’. He ordered the Men to clear a space in front of the doors and ran into the Temple bringing out the condemned men who were ragged and showed signs of beating. Their eyes showed a fear but he felt something strange, Witchcraft perhaps. Longinus knew the stately wisdom of Rome, had he not seen it these long years?. The foot and fist of Empire to be sure, but Longinus was from dark valleys, and high peaks, he knew Witchery, he knew Shamana. The Prisoners were a state and a mess.

‘Why have they been beaten?’ Longinus asked the Principalis, but he spoke to his back as he was gone back to the Temple for what purposes Longinus knew not. From the inside the procession of sorry souls for execution came forwards and Longinus saw that four of them were relatively untouched and one showed evidence of scourging and a beating that left the criminal barely able to move. As was the wont of these people several of the crowd leaned forwards to beat the Men and pull their hair until they stumbled whereupon a section of the crowd would lurch forwards and surround them kicking the unfortunates about the head and body. The Scourged man received no such treatment but was viewed with suspicion and possibly some odour of respect. Obviously a Religious crime, some Prophet the same as choked these streets in these unsure times.

Longinus held a hand out to steady this man, this Prophet perhaps and then withdrew it, for a reason he never understood. Was he worthy of touching a Magi as this? Would it suffer him to touch one that had obviously known the Eigen? So close he remembered. The heat through his sandals burned him as he shook for a moment. Lost he was this Man and yet…

This man, this Magi….treated so? How and why? My intelligence reeled at it and I spun mentally the tangled webs of the world and its peoples as the Magic rolled from where ever it came. The scene played out as a memory a set of illusions as a Movie or a Comic strip but underneath those feelings it bit like a wicked animal at me, some feedback perhaps some blurred line that made my back scream in pain and at the Abyss, poor Longinus. Eternal Fool, he will destroy himself of course..when he knows who he is, who I am…

‘Order up, protect and use the flat of your swords only!’ Longinus shouted to his men who swiftly surrounded the condemned and beat back the crowd harshly. Longinus although not proud of such violence was content his men knew their places and order. Soon they were on their way among the close and narrow streets to the Skull place outside the City Gates. There were to be no executions within the City by order and custom of the Temple and at these times the Roman government were quick to acquiesce and placate the Priests. The route out of the City was uneventful apart from the scourged man dropping to his knees at times while the people of the City either darted forwards to help him or inflict some violence. As it was Longinus in charge of the procession all were dealt with by a swift blow of a sword on its flat side or smashed over the head with a Spear or shield. The voice within his mind spoke again, it was his own voice his own thoughts of this he was sure but.

I stood on the Hill in days after, not a physical presence but one so impressed on the Eigengrau that it affected as an eye startled by lightening, an after image. The Eigengrau thus twisted from its shape set an eddy. Affected the current. Repercussions then slicing through time they lose another Wayfarer. Who sends these Prophets? They think the Nine a dream, would fear to destroy the very thing they themselves have made. We feed upon your fantasy in the Playground we have made for you.

Longinus knew something was wrong, Witchery, discarnate voices within his mind, the smell of the place usually drenched in the acid stench of shit was absent. A fresher air seemed to blow. He knew this wind, the clean wind blew from a Holy place and he knew it from when he was a Child sat on his Grandfathers knee. The tales he told of it. It made him suspicious again, he stopped to wipe some sweat from underneath his helmet. Now in front of the Procession they tailed behind him. The narrow streets were now a help. Moving, the crowd lapsed behind and followed them and the few souls in front walked warily for a swift smash over the head for tarrying too close to the head of the Procession was their reward. The Crowd was women and men of the City, some old people grey beards and such, a scattering of Temple acolytes in gold finery, children, barking stray dogs.

Longinus eased himself into character with the same shrug of the shoulders and the glance towards the heavens he always performed. His burden that of Man in all his guises but something was different. The day was edged with some silver spiritual thread. It seemed a little too glaring, maybe a little too loud. His senses were attuned in the way it always did before battle when enclosed by the phalanx he would take a while to think and give himself a little peace. He had never heard voices before, of that he was certain.

The Scourged man was now at the front of the line of condemned and again stumbled and his scourging was plastered with the filth of the street. He was young this man and seemed fit and able apart from the beating. He was clad in only a small breech clout his clothes must have been ripped from him. The other condemned were dressed. Longinus thought this an aberration and he being one who would wince at such things took his cloak from his back and threw it over the mans wounds. The man was grateful and offered Longinus a nod and Longinus bid him to keep a better pace. Why? He asked himself? A few of the men looked at Longinus as if he had lost his mind. The confusion in his own mind threw him, anger, easily the most accessible emotion in times of fear and uncertainty. He shouted at them, ordered them, hid his own confusion in the outpouring of anger.

She moved between the people and they moved for her, in her wake old women sobbed and men drew uneasily away for the promise she gave was none but Chaos. She knew this Criminal scourged, knew his position and his end but still as a Witness, she must see for herself what strange machinations it would bring. The rarity of her Blonde hair in this place put her as a Romans pretty wife or Mistress yet she was simply clothed her Blue eyes angry and yet not defeated, not yet.

Longinus held onto the arm of one of his Soldiers for a moment, the Sun hazy and as milk, the voice again rose within his mind like a tide, “Of her whoever knew. Her white robe stained red with his blood her hands held to the dark skies above. Oh what grief that tore my heart from the meat which protects it. That I Longinus would fall to my knees and weep those pure tears. The Sun in that afternoon was aglow and fired. Bless its beauty. We sit in the Desert in our Circle and we make the shivered talk and the crippled to walk. We metabolise the hate and the love, we feel to give back little for our greed is timeless.” His words, lost now on a Soldiers ears.

Soon the Hill of Skulls could be seen through the City gate, it shone with a strange light, the setting of the Sun was a few hours away and still but the light reflected form some low cloud and from the city wall itself, it seemed made of Gold and around its feet forty of fifty people awaited the convoy. As they left the City another group of Soldiers beat the crowds back and they started to climb the hill.

Hill of Skulls was a name bereft of originality and skill, under foot was the discarded bones of the dead, some executed and left, some half buried hasty graves, some animal bones. It was a forlorn place. Above them the sky was threatening rain and the Sun bursting through gaps in the cloud made it a fantastic sight for any other day but this. This thing, this execution bothered Longinus, he was a Soldier not an executioner, it left a sour acid taste in his mouth. At the top of the hill Labourers from the City had dug great post holes in the ground, five of them and now sat huddled together under a strip of old Tent cloth, Longinus could only see their eyes, which burned from the darkness underneath the cloth, their tools lay scattered by them. The crowd now in the open was a lot quieter more able to be seen by a soldier and be chased into the ground for a good beating. Now even the Temple workers had brought clubs and such like and were setting about the crowd with something that seemed like enjoyment. Thus do Men make their own Pantomimes as they experience what they really are.

Here we plot. I watch her through the heat of the desert as she watches this Pantomime. Do I know her? I know all of them. My Brothers ‘lack’ something. Love for them is a mere rind of a blessed fruit, a thing they sense but have no knowledge of. Their carnal thoughts flood mine for a moment and I resist, they stop, they watch me for a moment through the heat. They suspect and then her presence soothes them, they plot again.

She bore no ill will to them, how could she? The Eigengrau was etched on her heart. She sensed him inside her as she sat in the Meadows and listened to the songs the Angels sang to awaken God and bring back his children. They make their own world and that world as twisted as the lottery win. We care little but suspect this woman to be a Deity sent to torment us with this disorder, this chaotic end we suffer. We lift our hands to her and beg for peace to leave us alone, but no. We sit and make their lives and she will interfere with mindless haste and blessed madness. We will plot something for her as we weave.

A Crucifixion? Longinus caught a stray thought in the midst of his shouted orders. A Crucifixion, that meant a night on the Hill for his men, that explained their bad temper. Nobody had told Longinus, busy in ordering the men into positions. The Principalis came stumbling up the path to the Crown of the Hill his face redder, his countenance fouler. He knew Longinus had questions and he deemed to answer them before Longinus asked.

‘It is the Order that all condemned be crucified although only one is Political’ he pointed to the scourged man. ‘He is the Political and the other four are various Criminals, don’t ask me why just get it done and I will treat you all to wine back at Barracks’, he strode off to supervise the positioning of the Yew planks rough and fresh full of Resin still, unseasoned. The condemned now sat in a circle, a huddle of depression apart from the scourged political who head bowed feeble pulled the cloak around him not in modesty but the wind was now much cooler. He was mumbling to himself and closer now Longinus saw that the scourge had ripped great strips of flesh from him and underneath some parts the bone of his ribs and back could be seen.

A death another thankless existence to be picked over by dogs. He watched as one of the Robbers died, he cast his breath to the wind and the wind took it, held it, and carried it away. From the crowd the Sigil spat its mark upon the Eigengrau and thus made its mark upon the tumbling Time that didn’t itch but it remembered. Underneath the criminals ragged garments blood soaked , he had been quietly stabbed on his travail through the streets and had quietly bled to death. Somebody bore him some ill feeling. Longinus knew all about that of course but he bid the Carpenter to tie him to his Yew beam anyway. Let the Empires will be done, never questioned. The poor Cunt had to be crucified by order of Rome and who was he to question it?

What fears do they have today? I protest too much I fear and will not let the Prophet die in the manner we have chosen, and yet…I twist the Eigen with my system, I let the other Brothers amplify and assimilate the choice into the Eigen and it casts a Black shadow over us and the Sands from the Dunes surround us and they tremble.

One of his men shouted to him, ‘ A scourged half to death political and four criminals one of them dead before sentence was carried out and who should rightly be hung and yet we have to stand all night watching them?’ Sarfus said in his strange accent. He was a man quick to anger and love, Longinus suspected he was soured and scared by the sight of the scourged man. Longinus nodded still watching the Political. One of the Temple Workers ran forwards breaking the cordon at its edge and rammed violently a woven ring of Thorns on the scourged mans head. Longinus flicked out his Spear and tripped the man and gave him the but of the Spear to the base of his skull rendering him unconscious. His friends dragged him away and Longinus noticed the blood of the Scourged man erupt anew from various head wounds and spill down his face staining his beard.

Longinus, sweet Longinus, how sweet they called your name and you ran down the meadow to your Mother and Father after pulling the thick hay from the basket to sleep upon while you watched the clouds above fly across the sky. I remember. The way the cool wind blew from the Mountain and the Gods above rattle their gilded chains. We have thoughts that are shared, and you are our Brother, may we not finger your precious dreams?

Urpan the Carpenter a small Indian man who took the coin of Rome for various duties gently tugged at Longinus for attention. “What Urpan? What troubles you?” Longinus said. He was fond of Urpan and encouraged his attachment to his barracks as he was skilled with wood and could repair weapons and make simple furniture for the mens rooms. The men liked him also and would give him coins and gifts and Longinus knew not what he did with the money. Urpan had made the instruments of crucifixion. He looked at Longinus ‘ Roman, I cannot drive these nails into a man no, it is my courage I lack and yet I can not find any to do this, chairs I make but not death’. Longinus cast an eye over the crowd and walked around the activity around the post holes as Legionnaires started to pull the criminals to their feet ready for crucifixion. Hemp rope, old and stained was being used to tie them and they protested their innocence apart from the dead man whose eyes didn’t roll when the rope was drawn tight.

‘Begone Urpan back to barracks and lock your doors,there is evil here and darkness’ Longinus said to him, and Urpan ran away as fast as he could towards the city gates. At the four points of the Compass a rolling storm, strangely it seemed to be aiming straight for the Hill and would enclose it. As a fist around a small fruit, squeezing.

Patterned explanations for that time would not give Longinus peace. This Simple soldier his shattered mind used as a ball for simple sports.

Bless him. She wished to see this great love in herself that had manifested…she dreamed of a man asleep but aware and he took her in the grass. In the meadow, amongst the flowers and the beautiful things that were in it. Asleep still he took her and showed her stars and things that she could not comprehend. Inside her his Son, who would know not the subtle pains of the Eigengrau and live and breathe the airs of that place. What Heaven it is to walk and sense the glorious land he would live within? , and eventually die of course as was the want of those who had not tasted the Eigengrau and its bitterness. Her crime to bring him here was no crime at all but the subtle mind to send him for him to teach in his knowledge those that had become tangled in the Eigengrau. Can we not love too?

Why a Crucifixion? Usually the men were tied to the posts and took a day to die at least, these were the worst Criminals. Robbers were always hung from the Olive trees that dotted the sides of the road or simply had their throats cut. Now Urpan talks of ‘nailing’ and Longinus knew that only the wickedest were nailed and crucified. The Thieves were almost all up, one left two up and protesting, howling at the pain they felt when upright. While the dead one nodded limply in the wind. Later Longinus would send the Gaul to put them to the sword so that they may just simply die instead of giving his men a headache as they wailed through the long night ahead.

Entangled we are, as we are. Was not this man sent by a Goddess? To give love and wisdom to the Peoples of the Eigengrau? Here he could learn the pains and the torn hearted existence we lead, here he could love and hate, breathe the fires of knowledge. Return and thus point the way…

The last of the Criminals was roped to the Yew Cross and a mix of Soldiers and labourers lifted the heavy cross over the post hole and manoeuvred it into position. The man moaned as he took his own weight and beseeched his God in a weak puerile tone. He was diseased, his flesh looked grey and Longinus stood back. Leprosy. Already the skin smelled of damp woodland, the rot of his flesh.

‘The Political goes on the highest cross and that is the request of their leaders’ The Principalis said to the grunting and sweating workers and soldiers. By now there were three criminals moaning atop their crosses of death, one silent dead criminal mouth open gaped in his rest, the fifth post hole was the highest and now the Political was dragged to it and Sarfus the Gaul stood with a Mallet and a bundle of thick sharpened wooden pegs. Longinus with an eye on the crowd noticed a silence all of a sudden as they waited for the Scourged man to be crucified. Here they sat and stood, even the ones whose foul voices seconds ago had split the air with course shouts were silent, still hating, but waiting. Aronus and Carfa two of his men went to the scourged man and gently lifted him to his feet and took him to the Cross.

At each arm of the Cross and at a third distance from the bottom had been drilled a hole. This hole was to be the ‘Pilot’ for the wooden peg carved to a sharp point. The men stripped the cloak from the bloodstained man and lay him gently on the rough planks. Softly they spread his arm to the crosspiece and bid Sarfus to make the blow. Longinus noticed that dark bruises spread all over the scourged flesh of the man, it was obvious he had been beaten for days before. Sarfus eyed the mans arm sallow but muscled, he was a Man of labour. Sarfus aimed through the flesh for the hole underneath and with one or two blows smashed the peg through the scourged mans wrist and into the pilot hole. One more tap and the peg was secured and rounded off at the mallet end as to stop the body and arm from sliding off the peg. The scourged man moaned and his eyes drifted into a whiteness as he went unconscious for a moment. A second later the second peg had been driven in and the man moaned some words in his language.

Did you learn pained upon the cross of Yew? Did you not see the lands of your Father and cry to him. Did you not see him wake and cradle you to his breast? Your hand pointed the way, to his Brothers gathered at his feet he said ‘You see this?’ We are but Directors of a Great and Awful show…

At his feet Sarfus bound a rough rope more to stop the twitching and movement. He had to drive the largest peg through the Achilles heel at an angle to get both feet in one peg. Longinus had only seen this once before. It had been a Greek that had offended some minor politician and it was a direct order for him to die in the most painful and longest manner possible. ‘What were this mans crimes?’ thought Longinus. ‘Why such a thing?’ Sarfus made no mistake and the peg drove through the flesh like a hot iron straight into the pilot hole. The scourged man hardly moved, a kin to pain, a brother to it, it was slowly becoming a normal part of his world. Shortly he was lifted into position and as the men made haste with the crowd at a lower point on the hill Longinus inspected the work and the stationing of his men.

Several rocks were thrown at the soldiers who gleefully glad to be away from the crucified waded into the now thinning crowd raining blows and dropping the flats of their swords breaking open heads and flesh to disguise their disgust and horror. These men of war whom Longinus had fought with for many years disgusted with death? He knew them as Soldiers not executioners. The words describe the same acts but with a Soldiers train of thought. To kill unarmed men was a cowards way.

The scourged man now naked on the cross apart from his Twisted Crown. Longinus had forgotten to take it off. Time it seemed had stopped for a moment and Longinus had a moment to stop and lean upon his spear. The workmen and a few Soldiers had left the hill and were picking their way down the rocky paths back to the City. Most of the crowd followed and left behind were perhaps the scourged mans family and friends quietly crying and sobbing outside the circle of his men in case they approached and took him down. What sadness this was, Longinus was tired and felt a lethargy upon him, a loss.

Aronus approached and gave Longinus a skin of wine which he drank in one thirsty gulp to rid his throat of the dust and distaste. Longinus bid Aronus to build a fire to keep the men warm in the night and himself he walked to the foot of the Crucifix to lay eyes a little better on this Scourged and sorrowful man.

Now he was crucified and nearly at rest. What his Gods meant for him Longinus knew not, he didn’t know their God. A mystery that he was affected by him, those eyes burned into him as blood dripped onto the ground and the cloak that had been thrown there. What things went on inside a mans head when he was pinned with pegs to this place of his death, and were we not pinned also to our places of death also?

The sky rattles now with thunder and there would be a rare rain, Longinus felt this. The days on the Farm when he was a child, his Grandfather would run with him through the rain laughing and they would open the gates of the Irrigation channels and fill their cisterns. How his Grandfather would laugh and the raindrops fell from his bushy eyebrows. Then running, sliding, home, covered in mud but happy. Would this man remember such things under his glistening crimes and agonies? Longinus hoped he would for this was no thief as the others but a protagonist a deceiver of people perhaps. Longinus knew no Gods, no religious faith. Battle had carved away the beliefs his family had shared, of their Gods in hallowed places, offerings and prayers. He had seen and heard enough praying, to know the Gods stayed silent and slept.

Do you not see the tangled mess we wallow within?

So he felt nothing for spirits only outflanking, ambush and the roles of War the simple defining battles and deaths. The Thunder rolled and a wind blew chilled from the North and Longinus drew about him his cloak. Above him he fancied, in the sky he saw two Moons steadily growing bigger. A trick of the Sun surely and with no thought looked again at the scourged man.

We wander dark paths we make subtle pangs bred by fear. Only that, and opposite only Love that is all, a choice. His hand pointed the way and his Father bid him cast his eyes away for he knew that the people in the Eigengrau although his children, were to learn.

The blood filled eyes of him bound looked to the Heavens as if to ask of them something, there was anger, a flash of it that rolled across his face. Then fear a terror he did not understand for he looked quizzically at the sky, then below and around him. The Criminal at his side said something and the scourged man smiled and said some words that were whipped away by the wind before Longinus could catch them. The criminal smiled also and Longinus suspected for a moment a plan of escape. They could not escape, never Longinus knew.

For was not the World a Prison that one was kept in for eternity. Was not this World a mere reflection of existence, its petty wars and escapades a mere Play or Comedy? Longinus knew these things then although he had long suspected them. Now outside of Jerusalem it became clear. Trapped we are like flies in Amber, bars we have that stop us from being who we really are, who we were meant to be. He saw the fabric of the World was not the fertile earth’s and life upon it but cold hard Iron but painted as Hindu Chariots and Greek relief. Painted a profusion of beautiful colour meant to deceive as a Fly trap plant or a conjurers trick. But still a Prison.

Longinus was confused now, from the North the clouds boiled and rolled with flashes of lightning that ripped across the Hill illuminating eerily the faces of those soon to be dead as even the Sun still spilled its golden sunset into their eyes.

What is the point, this Magic burns a hole. To tap words upon a wand, to wander blind paths. We find a sick point to seize and manipulate, and write a collection of lies we weave and believe. From the Abyss a secret word, a delicate pose. A special fire to kindle and tend. Coated in a shellac of innocence to burn off, as we we chip and file the barren wastes of our minds. On the Hill forsaken a single voice uttered into the wind caught and flung away. Annihilated souls sicken loves to cheer and bray.

Longinus saw in this mans eyes a thing of sparkled fine hearts and songs never begun, the tendril of smoke from a fire forgotten to tender the nights we let the breeze blow through the windows. As we laughed within our own sordid world,a whisper again, there on the wind,a single word.

‘Father’

We tend the hearts as said by the Masters long dead. The Sisters and the Mothers sobbed, the Daughters cried aloud. They instil a sense of Earthly dread. Longinus felt nailed to the rock of that Hill. Begone, scatter the ashes and tread them in. What purpose no one knows and lack to care as we annihilate our own bloods and flesh. Soft hands on steel and mesh, or bars to cling, we open our mouths, we begin to sing songs of forgiveness. Fouler deeds done on bended knee, as we pray and shuffle useless words and speak to turned heads. Nobody listens to a word you said.

This sacrifice they give to us I suppose. Above Longinus the air boiled venom and grief. The air did glow indeed, the Blue light of Abaddoth. The Crucified man wept aloud now and each spasm of pain a flashed alarm in the sky. The Angles change in essence to order the World, it turns and bathes in the harsh moon and the pained man upon the cross. Messenger he was, Eigen Given. The Mind clears out the brazen trash it holds throughout his life as Longinus felt it fill him as a vessel of some kind, a life of Everlast. At his feet eddies form within the ash.

I look down at my hands and see the Eigen has split the skin at the wrists and the blood flows freely into the African sands. I draw Sigils in the sands with mine own blood and pull my hood further down over my face so the Brothers will not stop their own manipulations. Sire the greedy words and adjust their meaning, I pull the magic from the Eigen and plough back through times that have passed. My sin a greater thing than this man’s but….I see others, and they call to me…

The Five Aspects Of The Demiurge [Chapter 4]

nun

Chapter 4

Five Aspects Of The Demiurge

It is one of those quiet before battle moments when soldiers will take stock of their lives and often see it wanting. Times for great dreams to be formulated then forgotten as they weld their own lives to others, to systems and things they barely understood, barely hated but loved nonetheless. It is this time for Longinus Aquamelde, the barracks were silent and still. His mind ‘worked’ as it always did. Between the lines Longinus, between the lines. Will you ever remember those times when your sins were always at hand to be fettled and wept over in times of stillness? Something ached inside of him

He moves his hand through his Black hair and he wonders. He looks at his hands scarred by Fire and War, the muscles in his arms Iron made from casting weapons at enemy, castigating the fallen, arms that are guilty of Crimes. In the afternoon light his hands, not innocent hands. Others would look to their Gods for some sense of order and justice but not him.

He strapped on his leather armour, they would be going into the madness of the City, a thing that disgusted him. He strapped a brace upon his throwing arm and for a moment he sees another man sat on the edge of another bed. He held a Gun to his lips and thought about the filed hair trigger, the merest slip of a sweated hand. Even as he gasped to understand the word ‘gun’ he knew it’s purpose and then shaking his head the vision subsided. The sun perhaps, it was hot here, hallucinations, mirages. The vision was strange.

Longinus had the ‘Skull’ job. A companion or Guard to five condemned men. The people of the deserts loved their great processions of the condemned, they loved their great Temple Courts and the berating of the unholy, the thieves, the liars, the Adulterers. Unaware that of course, the greatest of these heretics were the ones in judgement. The Priests of their Temples were a disgusting thing. Coiled asinine embroidered evil. In their Temple the stink of unholiness. There was Human excrement everywhere here, the stink of Humanity, the stink of piss, it made his mouth sour.

The noise of his men was deafening in the small alleys that surrounded the Temple. The temper of his command as loud of course, angry, annoyed and this emotional time displayed itself as his men kicked and punched their way through the throng of people on route to the spectacle their Priests and Shamans had announced that afternoon. Surly looks at the backs of them, the people of this place were sick and violent. Above him the sky roiled and tossed and rays of brilliant light shone through the bars of dust in the sky.

He waited with his men in order in the street of the ‘Seven Eyes’ in the City of Jerusalem. Bidden by Superiors to stand ready to receive the Prisoners and escort them to the place of their execution. It was a dirty street much occupied by Prostitutes, the Faithful and the filth of the City.

It disgusted Longinus and he was wary of it as many Soldiers of Rome had met their end their with a knife or a rope while carousing on rare days off. Now the place was out of bounds to them by order of the Consul. It was ordered some months past now that the patience of Rome in it’s glory would not allow soldiers within their places of Worship. Longinus would have put all Jerusalem to the sword. For was not the will of Rome expressed through it’s power?

This wait would not allow his men good moods. It would irk them to be sure, and Longinus would wryly smile at their madness and cussing for at least a night. This Hell he was in, who did he blame for this? This posting was a curse, he had wronged someone obviously, a whisper that crept into stupid minds and a thirst for revenge maybe. Longinus mentally ticked off the people he had angered, the list was long. The Sun was low anyhow, the heat of the day would be gone and darkness he hoped would hide him and his men away from guilt but more importantly the Sun although Winter distant still hot. His head wavered and nodded for a moment and he could feel sand between his fingers and a heavy cloak upon him…

The Abyss yawns in front of me like a sun dazed Dog, like a stretched Cunt. I see the things this Soul sees, I see and feel the dust, the shallow heat and the disgust he feels. This hallucination breathes in me, it feeds me delights, smells, all the senses. I feel like casting myself into the bottomless pit as is my want and as is my right. As Adam the first man knew the pain of Chaos and Love and that sin to him and others was the need to finish the fantasy with his own death. We have stolen you. We have you as Toys for amusement. We Farm you. Our hands scratch the story of their lives in the sand. I manipulate myself in the past from here in my future. All time is meaningless, is a non existent thing.

…a moment when words fluttered around his head and cut through the noise, the sounds. It was clear these words were…but no matter. The moment gone, the words in his mind forgotten. An inhabitant of that place falls into him and he shoves them away hard. They fall into the crowd injured, it was a woman. For a second he felt ashamed and then not. Her breasts had fallen free from her robe, the hands that helped did nothing but grope and she cared not.

There was much noise and coming and going of people who continued to jostle and push to seek a clearer place to view or to surround one who spoke at length about the scenes inside the temple. There were many of these people and it made travel hard. Longinus put out a foot and sent an unfortunate soul flying into the crap piled in the middle of the street. Such filth, such disgust.

Still, the air above hung like a wet sheet, that Sun made from White hot Bronze getting lower as the afternoon passed. His Leather armour chafed but he didn’t feel it physically. Too experienced, too sure of his vocation. The slickness of his sweat a lubricant that allowed him to shift position for Battle easily. His Men stood beside a Great Golden door, in it marked the legends and the stories of these people. The crowd spilled out into the Street, swearing, groping, alive with their sins and sure to add to them as the mass made anonymity sure.

Presently from the Temple a rising of voices and the door was flung open, it disgorged a mass of people all vying for position and place. Grabbing and clawing, smashing and treading to move away form the multitude and gain a better position. Longinus used the flat of his sword to beat a way to the heavy doors and clear a space, his men did the same, entering into the fray with much gladness as it was supposed to be their Leave night, gambling and drenching themselves in Wine and Whores. Blood fell in great drops. These men were not gentle.

‘Move you fuckers’ one of his men, Sarfus his voice high pitched and comical, but he was a man of great strength that belied his womanly voice. Branus from Carthage laughing as he broke heads with the butt of his Sword. Eventually a space was made and Gordianus The Principalis blew out of the Temple like a cork from a bottle, his Red face even redder than it normally was.

‘Fuck this shit and mess! Said Longinus under his breath, then to Branus louder, ‘they will come out violent and it is a plot made in dark places for these men, there is anger here and something else, I want this performed quickly’. He ordered the Men to clear a space in front of the doors and ran into the Temple bringing out the condemned men who were ragged and showed signs of beating. Their eyes showed a fear but he felt something strange, Witchcraft perhaps. Longinus knew the stately wisdom of Rome, had he not seen it these long years?. The foot and fist of Empire to be sure, but Longinus was from dark valleys, and high peaks, he knew Witchery, he knew Shamana. The Prisoners were a state and a mess.

‘Why have they been beaten?’ Longinus asked the Principalis, but he spoke to his back as he was gone back to the Temple for what purposes Longinus knew not. From the inside the procession of sorry souls for execution came forwards and Longinus saw that four of them were relatively untouched and one showed evidence of scourging and a beating that left the criminal barely able to move. As was the wont of these people several of the crowd leaned forwards to beat the Men and pull their hair until they stumbled whereupon a section of the crowd would lurch forwards and surround them kicking the unfortunates about the head and body. The Scourged man received no such treatment but was viewed with suspicion and possibly some odour of respect. Obviously a Religious crime, some Prophet the same as choked these streets in these unsure times.

Longinus held a hand out to steady this man, this Prophet perhaps and then withdrew it, for a reason he never understood. Was he worthy of touching a Magi as this? Would it suffer him to touch one that had obviously known the Eigen? So close he remembered. The heat through his sandals burned him as he shook for a moment. Lost he was this Man and yet…

This man, this Magi….treated so? How and why? My intelligence reeled at it and I spun mentally the tangled webs of the world and its peoples as the Magic rolled from where ever it came. The scene played out as a memory a set of illusions as a Movie or a Comic strip but underneath those feelings it bit like a wicked animal at me, some feedback perhaps some blurred line that made my back scream in pain and at the Abyss, poor Longinus. Eternal Fool, he will destroy himself of course..when he knows who he is, who I am…

‘Order up, protect and use the flat of your swords only!’ Longinus shouted to his men who swiftly surrounded the condemned and beat back the crowd harshly. Longinus although not proud of such violence was content his men knew their places and order. Soon they were on their way among the close and narrow streets to the Skull place outside the City Gates. There were to be no executions within the City by order and custom of the Temple and at these times the Roman government were quick to acquiesce and placate the Priests. The route out of the City was uneventful apart from the scourged man dropping to his knees at times while the people of the City either darted forwards to help him or inflict some violence. As it was Longinus in charge of the procession all were dealt with by a swift blow of a sword on its flat side or smashed over the head with a Spear or shield. The voice within his mind spoke again, it was his own voice his own thoughts of this he was sure but.

I stood on the Hill in days after, not a physical presence but one so impressed on the Eigengrau that it affected as an eye startled by lightening, an after image. The Eigengrau thus twisted from its shape set an eddy. Affected the current. Repercussions then slicing through time they lose another Wayfarer. Who sends these Prophets? They think the Nine a dream, would fear to destroy the very thing they themselves have made. We feed upon your fantasy in the Playground we have made for you.

Longinus knew something was wrong, Witchery, discarnate voices within his mind, the smell of the place usually drenched in the acid stench of shit was absent. A fresher air seemed to blow. He knew this wind, the clean wind blew from a Holy place and he knew it from when he was a Child sat on his Grandfathers knee. The tales he told of it. It made him suspicious again, he stopped to wipe some sweat from underneath his helmet. Now in front of the Procession they tailed behind him. The narrow streets were now a help. Moving, the crowd lapsed behind and followed them and the few souls in front walked warily for a swift smash over the head for tarrying too close to the head of the Procession was their reward. The Crowd was women and men of the City, some old people grey beards and such, a scattering of Temple acolytes in gold finery, children, barking stray dogs.

Longinus eased himself into character with the same shrug of the shoulders and the glance towards the heavens he always performed. His burden that of Man in all his guises but something was different. The day was edged with some silver spiritual thread. It seemed a little too glaring, maybe a little too loud. His senses were attuned in the way it always did before battle when enclosed by the phalanx he would take a while to think and give himself a little peace. He had never heard voices before, of that he was certain.

The Scourged man was now at the front of the line of condemned and again stumbled and his scourging was plastered with the filth of the street. He was young this man and seemed fit and able apart from the beating. He was clad in only a small breech clout his clothes must have been ripped from him. The other condemned were dressed. Longinus thought this an aberration and he being one who would wince at such things took his cloak from his back and threw it over the mans wounds. The man was grateful and offered Longinus a nod and Longinus bid him to keep a better pace. Why? He asked himself? A few of the men looked at Longinus as if he had lost his mind. The confusion in his own mind threw him, anger, easily the most accessible emotion in times of fear and uncertainty. He shouted at them, ordered them, hid his own confusion in the outpouring of anger.

She moved between the people and they moved for her, in her wake old women sobbed and men drew uneasily away for the promise she gave was none but Chaos. She knew this Criminal scourged, knew his position and his end but still as a Witness, she must see for herself what strange machinations it would bring. The rarity of her Blonde hair in this place put her as a Romans pretty wife or Mistress yet she was simply clothed her Blue eyes angry and yet not defeated, not yet.

Longinus held onto the arm of one of his Soldiers for a moment, the Sun hazy and as milk, the voice again rose within his mind like a tide, “Of her whoever knew. Her white robe stained red with his blood her hands held to the dark skies above. Oh what grief that tore my heart from the meat which protects it. That I Longinus would fall to my knees and weep those pure tears. The Sun in that afternoon was aglow and fired. Bless its beauty. We sit in the Desert in our Circle and we make the shivered talk and the crippled to walk. We metabolise the hate and the love, we feel to give back little for our greed is timeless.” His words, lost now on a Soldiers ears.

Soon the Hill of Skulls could be seen through the City gate, it shone with a strange light, the setting of the Sun was a few hours away and still but the light reflected form some low cloud and from the city wall itself, it seemed made of Gold and around its feet forty of fifty people awaited the convoy. As they left the City another group of Soldiers beat the crowds back and they started to climb the hill.

Hill of Skulls was a name bereft of originality and skill, under foot was the discarded bones of the dead, some executed and left, some half buried hasty graves, some animal bones. It was a forlorn place. Above them the sky was threatening rain and the Sun bursting through gaps in the cloud made it a fantastic sight for any other day but this. This thing, this execution bothered Longinus, he was a Soldier not an executioner, it left a sour acid taste in his mouth. At the top of the hill Labourers from the City had dug great post holes in the ground, five of them and now sat huddled together under a strip of old Tent cloth, Longinus could only see their eyes, which burned from the darkness underneath the cloth, their tools lay scattered by them. The crowd now in the open was a lot quieter more able to be seen by a soldier and be chased into the ground for a good beating. Now even the Temple workers had brought clubs and such like and were setting about the crowd with something that seemed like enjoyment. Thus do Men make their own Pantomimes as they experience what they really are.

Here we plot. I watch her through the heat of the desert as she watches this Pantomime. Do I know her? I know all of them. My Brothers ‘lack’ something. Love for them is a mere rind of a blessed fruit, a thing they sense but have no knowledge of. Their carnal thoughts flood mine for a moment and I resist, they stop, they watch me for a moment through the heat. They suspect and then her presence soothes them, they plot again.

She bore no ill will to them, how could she? The Eigengrau was etched on her heart. She sensed him inside her as she sat in the Meadows and listened to the songs the Angels sang to awaken God and bring back his children. They make their own world and that world as twisted as the lottery win. We care little but suspect this woman to be a Deity sent to torment us with this disorder, this chaotic end we suffer. We lift our hands to her and beg for peace to leave us alone, but no. We sit and make their lives and she will interfere with mindless haste and blessed madness. We will plot something for her as we weave.

A Crucifixion? Longinus caught a stray thought in the midst of his shouted orders. A Crucifixion, that meant a night on the Hill for his men, that explained their bad temper. Nobody had told Longinus, busy in ordering the men into positions. The Principalis came stumbling up the path to the Crown of the Hill his face redder, his countenance fouler. He knew Longinus had questions and he deemed to answer them before Longinus asked.

‘It is the Order that all condemned be crucified although only one is Political’ he pointed to the scourged man. ‘He is the Political and the other four are various Criminals, don’t ask me why just get it done and I will treat you all to wine back at Barracks’, he strode off to supervise the positioning of the Yew planks rough and fresh full of Resin still, unseasoned. The condemned now sat in a circle, a huddle of depression apart from the scourged political who head bowed feeble pulled the cloak around him not in modesty but the wind was now much cooler. He was mumbling to himself and closer now Longinus saw that the scourge had ripped great strips of flesh from him and underneath some parts the bone of his ribs and back could be seen.

A death another thankless existence to be picked over by dogs. He watched as one of the Robbers died, he cast his breath to the wind and the wind took it, held it, and carried it away. From the crowd the Sigil spat its mark upon the Eigengrau and thus made its mark upon the tumbling Time that didn’t itch but it remembered. Underneath the criminals ragged garments blood soaked , he had been quietly stabbed on his travail through the streets and had quietly bled to death. Somebody bore him some ill feeling. Longinus knew all about that of course but he bid the Carpenter to tie him to his Yew beam anyway. Let the Empires will be done, never questioned. The poor Cunt had to be crucified by order of Rome and who was he to question it?

What fears do they have today? I protest too much I fear and will not let the Prophet die in the manner we have chosen, and yet…I twist the Eigen with my system, I let the other Brothers amplify and assimilate the choice into the Eigen and it casts a Black shadow over us and the Sands from the Dunes surround us and they tremble.

One of his men shouted to him, ‘ A scourged half to death political and four criminals one of them dead before sentence was carried out and who should rightly be hung and yet we have to stand all night watching them?’ Sarfus said in his strange accent. He was a man quick to anger and love, Longinus suspected he was soured and scared by the sight of the scourged man. Longinus nodded still watching the Political. One of the Temple Workers ran forwards breaking the cordon at its edge and rammed violently a woven ring of Thorns on the scourged mans head. Longinus flicked out his Spear and tripped the man and gave him the but of the Spear to the base of his skull rendering him unconscious. His friends dragged him away and Longinus noticed the blood of the Scourged man erupt anew from various head wounds and spill down his face staining his beard.

Longinus, sweet Longinus, how sweet they called your name and you ran down the meadow to your Mother and Father after pulling the thick hay from the basket to sleep upon while you watched the clouds above fly across the sky. I remember. The way the cool wind blew from the Mountain and the Gods above rattle their gilded chains. We have thoughts that are shared, and you are our Brother, may we not finger your precious dreams?

Urpan the Carpenter a small Indian man who took the coin of Rome for various duties gently tugged at Longinus for attention. “What Urpan? What troubles you?” Longinus said. He was fond of Urpan and encouraged his attachment to his barracks as he was skilled with wood and could repair weapons and make simple furniture for the mens rooms. The men liked him also and would give him coins and gifts and Longinus knew not what he did with the money. Urpan had made the instruments of crucifixion. He looked at Longinus ‘ Roman, I cannot drive these nails into a man no, it is my courage I lack and yet I can not find any to do this, chairs I make but not death’. Longinus cast an eye over the crowd and walked around the activity around the post holes as Legionnaires started to pull the criminals to their feet ready for crucifixion. Hemp rope, old and stained was being used to tie them and they protested their innocence apart from the dead man whose eyes didn’t roll when the rope was drawn tight.

‘Begone Urpan back to barracks and lock your doors,there is evil here and darkness’ Longinus said to him, and Urpan ran away as fast as he could towards the city gates. At the four points of the Compass a rolling storm, strangely it seemed to be aiming straight for the Hill and would enclose it. As a fist around a small fruit, squeezing.

Patterned explanations for that time would not give Longinus peace. This Simple soldier his shattered mind used as a ball for simple sports.

Bless him. She wished to see this great love in herself that had manifested…she dreamed of a man asleep but aware and he took her in the grass. In the meadow, amongst the flowers and the beautiful things that were in it. Asleep still he took her and showed her stars and things that she could not comprehend. Inside her his Son, who would know not the subtle pains of the Eigengrau and live and breathe the airs of that place. What Heaven it is to walk and sense the glorious land he would live within? , and eventually die of course as was the want of those who had not tasted the Eigengrau and its bitterness. Her crime to bring him here was no crime at all but the subtle mind to send him for him to teach in his knowledge those that had become tangled in the Eigengrau. Can we not love too?

Why a Crucifixion? Usually the men were tied to the posts and took a day to die at least, these were the worst Criminals. Robbers were always hung from the Olive trees that dotted the sides of the road or simply had their throats cut. Now Urpan talks of ‘nailing’ and Longinus knew that only the wickedest were nailed and crucified. The Thieves were almost all up, one left two up and protesting, howling at the pain they felt when upright. While the dead one nodded limply in the wind. Later Longinus would send the Gaul to put them to the sword so that they may just simply die instead of giving his men a headache as they wailed through the long night ahead.

Entangled we are, as we are. Was not this man sent by a Goddess? To give love and wisdom to the Peoples of the Eigengrau? Here he could learn the pains and the torn hearted existence we lead, here he could love and hate, breathe the fires of knowledge. Return and thus point the way…

The last of the Criminals was roped to the Yew Cross and a mix of Soldiers and labourers lifted the heavy cross over the post hole and manoeuvred it into position. The man moaned as he took his own weight and beseeched his God in a weak puerile tone. He was diseased, his flesh looked grey and Longinus stood back. Leprosy. Already the skin smelled of damp woodland, the rot of his flesh.

‘The Political goes on the highest cross and that is the request of their leaders’ The Principalis said to the grunting and sweating workers and soldiers. By now there were three criminals moaning atop their crosses of death, one silent dead criminal mouth open gaped in his rest, the fifth post hole was the highest and now the Political was dragged to it and Sarfus the Gaul stood with a Mallet and a bundle of thick sharpened wooden pegs. Longinus with an eye on the crowd noticed a silence all of a sudden as they waited for the Scourged man to be crucified. Here they sat and stood, even the ones whose foul voices seconds ago had split the air with course shouts were silent, still hating, but waiting. Aronus and Carfa two of his men went to the scourged man and gently lifted him to his feet and took him to the Cross.

At each arm of the Cross and at a third distance from the bottom had been drilled a hole. This hole was to be the ‘Pilot’ for the wooden peg carved to a sharp point. The men stripped the cloak from the bloodstained man and lay him gently on the rough planks. Softly they spread his arm to the crosspiece and bid Sarfus to make the blow. Longinus noticed that dark bruises spread all over the scourged flesh of the man, it was obvious he had been beaten for days before. Sarfus eyed the mans arm sallow but muscled, he was a Man of labour. Sarfus aimed through the flesh for the hole underneath and with one or two blows smashed the peg through the scourged mans wrist and into the pilot hole. One more tap and the peg was secured and rounded off at the mallet end as to stop the body and arm from sliding off the peg. The scourged man moaned and his eyes drifted into a whiteness as he went unconscious for a moment. A second later the second peg had been driven in and the man moaned some words in his language.

Did you learn pained upon the cross of Yew? Did you not see the lands of your Father and cry to him. Did you not see him wake and cradle you to his breast? Your hand pointed the way, to his Brothers gathered at his feet he said ‘You see this?’ We are but Directors of a Great and Awful show…

At his feet Sarfus bound a rough rope more to stop the twitching and movement. He had to drive the largest peg through the Achilles heel at an angle to get both feet in one peg. Longinus had only seen this once before. It had been a Greek that had offended some minor politician and it was a direct order for him to die in the most painful and longest manner possible. ‘What were this mans crimes?’ thought Longinus. ‘Why such a thing?’ Sarfus made no mistake and the peg drove through the flesh like a hot iron straight into the pilot hole. The scourged man hardly moved, a kin to pain, a brother to it, it was slowly becoming a normal part of his world. Shortly he was lifted into position and as the men made haste with the crowd at a lower point on the hill Longinus inspected the work and the stationing of his men.

Several rocks were thrown at the soldiers who gleefully glad to be away from the crucified waded into the now thinning crowd raining blows and dropping the flats of their swords breaking open heads and flesh to disguise their disgust and horror. These men of war whom Longinus had fought with for many years disgusted with death? He knew them as Soldiers not executioners. The words describe the same acts but with a Soldiers train of thought. To kill unarmed men was a cowards way.

The scourged man now naked on the cross apart from his Twisted Crown. Longinus had forgotten to take it off. Time it seemed had stopped for a moment and Longinus had a moment to stop and lean upon his spear. The workmen and a few Soldiers had left the hill and were picking their way down the rocky paths back to the City. Most of the crowd followed and left behind were perhaps the scourged mans family and friends quietly crying and sobbing outside the circle of his men in case they approached and took him down. What sadness this was, Longinus was tired and felt a lethargy upon him, a loss.

Aronus approached and gave Longinus a skin of wine which he drank in one thirsty gulp to rid his throat of the dust and distaste. Longinus bid Aronus to build a fire to keep the men warm in the night and himself he walked to the foot of the Crucifix to lay eyes a little better on this Scourged and sorrowful man.

Now he was crucified and nearly at rest. What his Gods meant for him Longinus knew not, he didn’t know their God. A mystery that he was affected by him, those eyes burned into him as blood dripped onto the ground and the cloak that had been thrown there. What things went on inside a mans head when he was pinned with pegs to this place of his death, and were we not pinned also to our places of death also?

The sky rattles now with thunder and there would be a rare rain, Longinus felt this. The days on the Farm when he was a child, his Grandfather would run with him through the rain laughing and they would open the gates of the Irrigation channels and fill their cisterns. How his Grandfather would laugh and the raindrops fell from his bushy eyebrows. Then running, sliding, home, covered in mud but happy. Would this man remember such things under his glistening crimes and agonies? Longinus hoped he would for this was no thief as the others but a protagonist a deceiver of people perhaps. Longinus knew no Gods, no religious faith. Battle had carved away the beliefs his family had shared, of their Gods in hallowed places, offerings and prayers. He had seen and heard enough praying, to know the Gods stayed silent and slept.

Do you not see the tangled mess we wallow within?

So he felt nothing for spirits only outflanking, ambush and the roles of War the simple defining battles and deaths. The Thunder rolled and a wind blew chilled from the North and Longinus drew about him his cloak. Above him he fancied, in the sky he saw two Moons steadily growing bigger. A trick of the Sun surely and with no thought looked again at the scourged man.

We wander dark paths we make subtle pangs bred by fear. Only that, and opposite only Love that is all, a choice. His hand pointed the way and his Father bid him cast his eyes away for he knew that the people in the Eigengrau although his children, were to learn.

The blood filled eyes of him bound looked to the Heavens as if to ask of them something, there was anger, a flash of it that rolled across his face. Then fear a terror he did not understand for he looked quizzically at the sky, then below and around him. The Criminal at his side said something and the scourged man smiled and said some words that were whipped away by the wind before Longinus could catch them. The criminal smiled also and Longinus suspected for a moment a plan of escape. They could not escape, never Longinus knew.

For was not the World a Prison that one was kept in for eternity. Was not this World a mere reflection of existence, its petty wars and escapades a mere Play or Comedy? Longinus knew these things then although he had long suspected them. Now outside of Jerusalem it became clear. Trapped we are like flies in Amber, bars we have that stop us from being who we really are, who we were meant to be. He saw the fabric of the World was not the fertile earth’s and life upon it but cold hard Iron but painted as Hindu Chariots and Greek relief. Painted a profusion of beautiful colour meant to deceive as a Fly trap plant or a conjurers trick. But still a Prison.

Longinus was confused now, from the North the clouds boiled and rolled with flashes of lightning that ripped across the Hill illuminating eerily the faces of those soon to be dead as even the Sun still spilled its golden sunset into their eyes.

What is the point, this Magic burns a hole. To tap words upon a wand, to wander blind paths. We find a sick point to seize and manipulate, and write a collection of lies we weave and believe. From the Abyss a secret word, a delicate pose. A special fire to kindle and tend. Coated in a shellac of innocence to burn off, as we we chip and file the barren wastes of our minds. On the Hill forsaken a single voice uttered into the wind caught and flung away. Annihilated souls sicken loves to cheer and bray.

Longinus saw in this mans eyes a thing of sparkled fine hearts and songs never begun, the tendril of smoke from a fire forgotten to tender the nights we let the breeze blow through the windows. As we laughed within our own sordid world,a whisper again, there on the wind,a single word.

‘Father’

We tend the hearts as said by the Masters long dead. The Sisters and the Mothers sobbed, the Daughters cried aloud. They instil a sense of Earthly dread. Longinus felt nailed to the rock of that Hill. Begone, scatter the ashes and tread them in. What purpose no one knows and lack to care as we annihilate our own bloods and flesh. Soft hands on steel and mesh, or bars to cling, we open our mouths, we begin to sing songs of forgiveness. Fouler deeds done on bended knee, as we pray and shuffle useless words and speak to turned heads. Nobody listens to a word you said.

This sacrifice they give to us I suppose. Above Longinus the air boiled venom and grief. The air did glow indeed, the Blue light of Abaddoth. The Crucified man wept aloud now and each spasm of pain a flashed alarm in the sky. The Angles change in essence to order the World, it turns and bathes in the harsh moon and the pained man upon the cross. Messenger he was, Eigen Given. The Mind clears out the brazen trash it holds throughout his life as Longinus felt it fill him as a vessel of some kind, a life of Everlast. At his feet eddies form within the ash.

I look down at my hands and see the Eigen has split the skin at the wrists and the blood flows freely into the African sands. I draw Sigils in the sands with mine own blood and pull my hood further down over my face so the Brothers will not stop their own manipulations. Sire the greedy words and adjust their meaning, I pull the magic from the Eigen and plough back through times that have passed. My sin a greater thing than this man’s but….I see others, and they call to me…

Death Cults for Fuck Sluts [Chapter 3]

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Chapter 3

The Black Iron Prison and the prelude to a crucifixion

I see them all and love them, as I loved another a long time ago. This thing we play within, this strangeness, this story to confuse the ablest of Minds. One would be watching the sky through an Oldsmobile window and for him at least it was a Yellow Brass, hot and sultry. A day for Dogs to bite and Birds to sit on branches farting as they watched the world fly by. What was the Window like for the others? One would be watching a small square of fly splattered glass high on a wall of a Cell. There this man would only look to see the same scudding Blackness of the Clouds lit only by the occasional burst of pain filled lightning. One would have eyes dulled by Morphine.

The cell encompassed him, became in essence the world he lived and existed within and in his memory he could find no precious childhood, no past that existed before this place. There was nothing just him and two blank walls and one with a door, one with a small barred window set high. Around him he could hear the laughter of the guards in that place. As it was a happy place surely? We loved it here in this jolly solid rock hewn happy fucking stink pit. So they laughed but the Prisoner did not.Here they wash away memories and all the better to torture you with them. Outside his door was a litany of whispers that tormented him and aroused him in equal measure.

What twisted memories he had, mere tendrils of concrete thought. A man is dying in a Hospital plagued with regret and lost love. A man robs banks and murders others, he lives in the shadows of the great Goddess although his time may come soon. Him, he, Within the Prison, No memory of his past or power. Another man, ageless who lives within shadow. The years he had been within the prison had no number as time had no place and each day he awoke from the nightmares his memory of it was anew and fresh. One moment awake in the cell, the next in a car or hotel room and he knew he was not those men he shared his memories with but within him, etched upon what passed for the spiritual DNA was a profusion of shapes and geometry that galvanised his strength although he did not know what these forms were. They were ghost things and yet he felt that the other memories he had of the other men may help him in some way but he knew not how to spin those memories into solid power. Not yet.

Often he would laugh and bury his face in his hands so the Black clad Guards wouldn’t hear him. Another would be watching Fairies dance in the Clouds as the Morphine they pumped into him held him aloft and free, without much of a care, just waiting to die, blessed by the Golden airs of the Opium Poppy. Turned by the soft hands of hard tired Nurses. The fire behind me now, just a smudge of a glow against the Mountains, the snow beneath my feet hard and frozen and the small Brown hand of the Shaman held aloft.Afterwards, the cold dead hand of the Shaman in the snow after I had killed him

Yet sitting upon the cold damp concrete he sends out these memories like young children. To discover the bounds and the ropes that bind him. Settling his mind somewhere he is familiar with, a gap between lives where nothing ever grows or lives but exists nonetheless and nevertheless. He constructs poems and songs and then tries to remember them but they too are gone after a time, only the geometry awaits. Only the geometry saves.

Lets try to remember the shaded subtle spots in our lives and those horror filled times as thoughts expected not to see but to heal for the shadows lie and the heart doesn’t feel, just yet. What do you do now those times are past? It seems to me that we deny every reality but pick up your phone again to see what strange things you have done to me as I sit and listen to the Brothers clad in Black.

He sees a man sat on the edge of a bed and his life force is nearly spent and this man picks over the silent memories he has, the loves and the loss he felt and now utterly spent he regards them as lost moments. A chance lost maybe, and eventually all things end in jealous words, angry countenance, bitter movements under sheets.

Try to see the Golden paths, the life we have is past and gone but pressure ties the bonds between us and is strong. We are edged and bright and the cold stills the night outside the Hospital. The anger you held up for me is lost in the pain I have now but send a text message and a forbidden word quick! Read it before he sees.

I will sit and let my head touch the floor and my heart bleed. I fear the spiral and feel the burn but don’t let your heart be lost and never fill with lust again. Besides our own griefs that of the street outside where the learned weep and the Holy plot their lies. Be content, for the children make Magik signs in chalk on the concrete slabs and we think [as adults] they are games.

I know your lips are dry again but I cannot believe we save ourselves by taking the sorrow in greed, filling ourselves with it, drunk on it. Ever present is the sore question in need of an answer but my false words turn around in forensic circles as you pick apart the false Gods from the liars and thieves.

I put a lock of hair behind your ear, and my hand catches a warm fat tear that tracks across your face but you turn your eyes away and this fluid errant phase is lost in the cold and the Police are driving past slow. They watch us. Outside the cell he hears the gentle purring of the Cop engine and he doesn’t know what it means at all. Another twisted design of the Demiurge? Another precious memory? 

The mind of the Prisoner aches with the memories not his. He knows no slut Goddess, he knows nothing of the world these memories sit within. But deep within the Prison, within the bowels of it if they had an end, he hears the cogs shift and the beams that hold it strong and aloft twist ever so slightly.

A memory that is his? Alone? He sits cross legged staring at the grey wall in front of him and sees the signs and sigils underneath so faint you can hardly see them and he puts out a finger to touch a line and it trembles ever so slightly and he feels the engines underneath the prison shiver. He looks down at his hands and they are filled with sand and he throws it into the air and laughs quietly so the guards do not hear.

‘Brothers?’ he whispers and lays his head on the filthy cell floor.

The Bank has a cool Marble floor for his gentle head and he sees beside him machinery that blinks with a thousand lights and those lights become stars outside a Prisoners window and for a second at least the Prisoner is cooled but the Patient knows nothing but the voice. I sit and listen to them. The cries of the wounded ones and the Black clad Wizards speak as one and even I feel their words move past my formless lips.

Hymns for the damned of course, every song dragged out of cracked throats, every note a joke. Every subtle thought manufactured by the tumble of a single grain of sand from my cupped hands. A hot breeze takes some of the dry sand and off it goes and Lord knows where but I see the man dying, I see the man confined and I see the man contemplating his own life in a Hotel room

The words fall as water into the sands. Their litany is sick and we brothers say..

Stare awhile you demon thieves for the loss of this one makes me believe our senses are gone and our loves are lost. We shadow the secret spots and take a stronger hand and you know the lives we lead are scraped in blasted sands. Send them to glass and beyond the Gods hateful fire for the Great Manipulators crown still stands, we are the Kings of Liars”

And every word is scourged upon my flesh. Every word a clamour, a smashing of great Bronze bells within the confines of English Shires. Hedged and screened they are. They count their money with fingers twisted by hate and fear. These ‘people’ who fantasise they are ‘alive’.

Riddles and lies that is all, they seek to confuse and are confused themselves. Will they understand these plots I weave?, I know not. But above us an Eagle cries in the heat, flying upon the thermals generated by the Sun upon the sands. A Brother raises a handful of sand, he is three away from me and I shift my gaze to see what he is doing, I have never seen this before but now he speaks and in my mind I hear his words, his voice as rusted steel sheet.

Astoleth” he speaks and my mind is lost. From the desert to a cold place. Birmingham England. 2009. It is Winter and the snow that fell over the past week is still present, frozen and cold on the roads and paths. I stand on a doorstep and from the mind of the Patient a description of that moment as he rolls it around his addled sick dying mind. I had fucked her and she was spent and I was disgusted by it. Every time she drags the sex out of me, the perversions, the verses and the sick platitudes as she mouths the secret words as we fuck and I concentrate on every one. One the floor a jar of sex lubricant glows. It may mean something but I stand and stretch myself then quickly double over as a bolt of pain rips through my side but no sound escapes my lips, I am quiet. I am a ghost that’s all. Dead man walking. Dead man talking.

The Patient mouths the words and says, “To seek those who circle the world we try and blast the seeds of our love to ages past but I’m losing sight of you now as the threads of your life grip tight. I see myself as a ghost but I still stand six inches above the floor on that doorstep in the snow and ice. But I struggle and I try and the tears in the hot Hospital ward slowly dry. But nobody explains anything to me any more, I don’t know how to speak and just get on, get my groove out as my fingertips are cold and hurt. My lips are drier than yours now but I am trapped hidden in the cage of this awful place”. He has shifted, the tube in his arm is blocked for a moment and there is an alarm, not urgent but painful, and it doesn’t stop for hours. The Nurses are busy.

The Catheter in his Cock moves and a bolt of pain runs through his groin. He lifts a hand to the blank ceiling above him and fancies he sees her, in glory, her flesh soft. He whispers “My Babe If you see the liars cage too bolted and hidden then give me life and take me out of it, bless my head with promises and let me see what you can do”. He thinks she will save him but she is gone, he is abandoned and yet to accept this but she burns him, she occupies his mind when he needs all of his strength to resist his own death but would gladly accept it for one more moment with her.

The pain distils his sodden racked thoughts for a moment and I too resist the urge to cry out in the desert lest they realise I have mine own thoughts. This is my curse as I sit and scrape away the sands and make Sigils in the air. To take on the minds of three men. One sits in a Prison, one a Hospital and the other is to die tonight. Exhausted by Gods curse upon me and the minds of these men I allow myself a memory. I am lost within it, the wind again, cold. The shouts of the Pedlars and the stink of that place, cursed it was.

All this set into play by the mistake of offering, some forgotten Soldier of Rome a shift, a few hours of work in the place they called ‘Kurkan’ or Golgotha. I watch as I sit at the edge of a simple cot, away from the others, I was a Veteran of War and had comforts. I sit and gather thoughts, threads of thoughts, simple stupid daily things, my boots worn, my clothes patched, I wonder at this man, this Longinus Aquamelde, this me, and think about my life. As am I not allowed reverie? To slink through mine own simple life for once in a while?

I would creep behind you at the window. As you looked out at the garden your hands in the water cool from the well, and would put my hands under your shirt. and tease a nipple, cup your breast. And my other hand in your crotch which is hot and damp. You rock your hips gently against my hand and I sneak it between your jeans and your heat and my fingers slip into it and you are a ghost in the reflections of the glass and that glass slows the time down and you orgasm against my hand for years uncounted as the leaves blow on the garden grass and the greenhouse needs cleaning and a childs plastic tricycle lies upturned. A bird, there sits upon the fence and watches you buck and writhe and all senses are lost at last and I have to be gone. I take my hand from your jeans and put my fingers in your mouth and rest my head upon your shoulder. And then you would taste its wetness, my fingers down your throat. You are still sore from last night but you like the pain. You have to get to the far edge of the sheet to lift it, to see what’s underneath. I am lost as well for a moment. I hear the sounds of my men getting ready for their duties. They grumble and curse and the hands of the holy prostitutes will claw at them as they pass.

But the memories are not mine, they are all yours. The sands shift again, to the future and I sit and talk with her as she agitates and waxes lyrical political. She wears an old combat jacket and her hair is in disarray. She listens to liars. She has nothing on underneath the jacket and her nipples are stiff with the cold. Her hands move as she talks, and they are sigils and she knows it too.

To understand why they use Death Fakers as talking heads and political commentators is easy. If you do an investigation on them, you’ll end up with an Angelic tale.” She laughs and tilts her head back. Oh you beautiful thing although not mine I see you. I see you laid bare for them.

No wonder they rot, all of them. She picks up a glass of wine and drains it in one cool motion…”Not their real past, of drug using CIA hippies.” she says,

Into all types of weird stuff, now who would take someone like that serious? Especially if they’re saying they’re Right Wing Conservatives?”she laughs and someone I cannot see laughs with her.

She laughs loudly at something again. “Potential death fakers are put out to the public as a social experiment. They are first made into Actors, Comedians, Musicians etc. If they show characteristics of handling certain situations like deaths of close friends or relatives, they are promoted to a higher rank of command.”she gasps as if enlightened but then holds her own head in her hands as do we. She struggles under the weight of the Eigen and her hair falls over her face as I watch and listen to her and in her hair a spider walks testing each foothold as it climbs over her shoulder.

‘Why do you constantly evoke me?” she pleads.

‘Because I can’ I say.

Rubbing ones cranium against the salt circle and invoking the spiders of the Eigen brings many awakenings. The quest for knowledge is ingrained with our genetics. One would say that in order to become better hunters one would seek and retain memories and tactics in order that they mate, eat etc.

Let me let a memory slip. Paris 1842. The man who called himself Caligastro wrote a note to me, delivered by a footman from some dignitary, upon the parchment a few lines of a poem of sorts. I sit in the sands with my brothers and sly a hand underneath the heavy cloak, there, amongst the papers I carry. I take it out to read it and at this moment I care not for the brothers watching me and they are so intent on the unravelling of this story they care not. Written in a spidery hand the faded ink speaks..

I couldn’t but I would

If I would I could

If I didn’t I wouldn’t

But could if I wanted

If I did then all is well

NOMAD [Chapter 2]

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Chapter 2

Nomad

I gripped my spear and hung from it. Tired I am and the sky looks strange. I wondered many times why this weapon had not aged as the world it was in but I had not aged also. I carried the weight of it across the years. As a cross or as a crutch. At my feet a puddle of bright purple liquid. I looked at my reflection within it. I looked as I did that day 3000 years before, not one single more grey hair than that desolate day. I did not age as other men. But my heart was a single scar where the words of others had split and torn the flesh.

As I was born the caul that had covered my face from the horrors outside the womb folded upon itself and entered my throat. As I was birthed I choked and gasped for air and received nothing until a quick finger had plucked out the flesh and I took in air but did not scream or cry they said.

The warm evening wind of that place blew across the Hill. I leaned against it. Time now was short and I was at that place, blasted and lifeless. I remembered a Great Wall here that kept out the undesirables and the forgotten. Now those walls were buried, the edifice was gone, the great schemes of man left as rubble and as dust. I await that blinded mad God that writhes in it’s insanities. Inside my body I felt the writhing of the insane coils and knew it was to be the end.

Who am I? What is my purpose here? I am everything and perhaps in the grand drama, nothing and yet. I cannot see for the sands that irritate and score and the heat trembles in the air until I wave my hand in front of my face, a face that only exists within my mind, one I cannot show these things even though they probe and sense each other constantly. The filth in their minds I cannot comprehend as I cannot fathom the dreams and actions of the insane Father. The greatest Dragon.

The skies are open to me and yet seem to shutter me tight, block the even light that should inform me, and ease my day, it does not. In the skies above the Serpents coils writhe in delight and as a scale rubs against a scale its rough flesh screeches out and fills the hollows of the earth with its pain. As it does I also feel that ragged pain that has dogged my years upon this place and the rhythm of the uncoiling pulls me back into time and then forward again and the faces I loved in that time are before me yet as I reach out my hands to them they fall into ashes.

I am cross legged in the Desert and enclosed in a thick heavy Black robe. The heat is intolerable. The skeletal parchment hands of the others around me were marked with strange tattoos. Magical Sigils my mind aches to look upon. The hood of this robe is covering my head and all I see is the ground in front of me and the ever moving hands of my brothers as they sift the dry sand in front of them, sometimes lifting it and letting it fall. It falls in patterns it should not, by the grace of God.. There, in the sands underneath my fingertips the grains move and a drama unfolds.

I tighten her bonds and she makes not a sound but she is disgusted with me, every sideways glance at me as she exhibits her passion is filled with horror. In the car she allowed her dress to ride up and display her white thigh and blackest nylon stockings and she was resplendent in her meme. For what joy is in one million photographs of the same thing? I am embittered as always to see the sexual displayed without the light from within only without.

A Man, in a Bank he is robbing it I suspect but how? I do not know. Sigils move around him like strange lights, these symbols define his life and yet when I move my hand or thought he also moves. He is as a puppet. I look up to catch my surroundings and around me, others, my Brothers. Nine of us sit and manipulate the world. As I see them, they see me. Their faces are a horror. As smoke they are, and they plot. We are senseless Comedians sometimes. Giggling chunks of hot sand. They ask me in voices like cold whispers or phone calls in the dead of night.On advertisements at the side of the road they bicker and tempt. In every story there bitter hands are seen. In every kiss the sour temptations taken away. Yet every movement of their hands a hidden trust, a fealty towards the wild dragon above and below. My mouth moves and air comes from within, my throat constricts and my lips and tongue give shape to that breath and I reply to them.

Unlock the Circle of Cunts and the foul believers and delight the hidden hand that believes and will fall in the end. We must believe nothing in the place nothing is believed in for what does the Milligram teach that we don’t already know? This Magik shows the way to tell, a nearer version of Hell and yet look to the West and feel the lush grass and to the East the resting place of the rotten whore. I point the way through in between and stagger the odds for the Guards of that place have violent dogs with crushing bites.”I whisper and let my cold hand fall on the hot sand.

I sicken myself with the whispers. Their words are vomit and lie. But I must remain hidden to them. They must not know who I am yet.

In this place they will ease you to sleep with beautiful colours and chatter their lies as they soothe your brow but between the sense of disorder and depth the path lies forgotten and not often trod. Let me show the way, it twists and turns to confuse the unwary and they talk endlessly and ask ‘why are you there?’. To take the spiritual cleansing air? Wave them away and make them gone, look in between, through them and away and leave them to their cultural play for Daemons know not of hidden places and the light or to take part in festival and glorious flight and we take the hidden road that doesn’t bend. For a tear or a heart to rip from your chest that aches, for a chance to see that place again. For didn’t we walk and were lost?

Hear me Blackest of Suns, do not let my soul be tainted with the demons they have made or the thoughts they would have me think. Red Whore show me your mercy and clear my vision. Who will stand up against you? Who has the power to lay a hand upon you and then write what they have found? There will be none. For it is said by us that dwell in the valleys dark that no man shall ever write upon stone or parchment the beauty of you for they defy simple words. It is known that this sight of you in your magnificence would cast them into the abyss at the edges of the world even as you would stretch out your hand to pull them back within you. Such is your wisdom and strength, your honour and the blood of your children.

They pulled me to Egypt, Cairo. They had put me in a Cafe of sorts, a few tables, scattered patrons I sipped the coffee, it was hot. The customers used newspapers to bat away the flies that descended upon them every time they stop flapping. None landed on me. One tried, I convinced it to fuck off. From the other table an Egyptian conversed with a friend. He wore a cream suit and looked relatively rich, a gold watch, expensive shoes.

Americans are apt to scoff at the idea, that a military coup in the US., as so often happens in Latin American countries, could ever replace our government. but that is an idea that has grounds for consideration.”The Egyptian said and slurped loudly at his coffee.

Her again. Oh sacred Goddess. I dragged you hear to placate my disgusting will and for that I cut myself a thousand times. She sipped her exotic melange of fluffed milk and strange named bean. It was effortless. She was a Lady. She couldn’t slurp if she tried. She spoke.

It’s enough isn’t it ?, at the end when you lay your head down after a hard day. It’s always enough’ she breathed out the words. I knew what was coming. She looked into the traffic and became a lover of the movement of it the chaotic nature of traffic here. Like a swarm of vehicles. The collective idleness of man.

It’s always enough’ I replied. With my finger under the table I wrote sigil after sigil. Fast as as I could. It looked like I was masturbating. A slash to the left and up, the Peregion of Clywd, the Last Cross of Christ, the dying man, in the hospital…..what?

I had to keep her off the track, my track and my meanderings, my journey. She was not as us, much different. Cut from the living breast of the great Mother she was. So strange these deities we pluck out to gawp at. To masturbate in the dark over. To want and to remain hungry. Always aloof and always hidden from the eyes of the lone traveller for what would we say about her to a friend? What would we say when we prepare our own deaths? My hand strays to my pocket where I put the tablets. 33 of them and the internet says it’s enough to kill quietly and mine eyes were darting around for escape from her.

For what was she? ‘Suduca’ bastardised Medusa. Those ancients wrote fucking reams of calf skin and papyrus, clay and bamboo, wood and rock. She destroyed them all. But she wouldn’t destroy me.As I stared at the table and the sound of Cairo erupted around me she placed her hand over mine and soothing words came from her lips and I was certain they would not help.

She was a blonde again, sleight of dye job it was. Quick metaphysical changes. The drink in front of her was a straight Pernod in a long glass. She sipped. She giggled ‘I love drugs of course, all of them, they affect me’. I hope she wasn’t going to be long doing this. Dragging it out again, enjoying the madness of this existence for a short while. Constrained by Salt. A man cried out in the thronging Market to our left, in madness he was pointing to her and screaming in Farsi…

She! It is her!”and his friends placed their hands over his mouth to stifle his cries and pulled him into the darkness of the shade. Their eyes looked at us in fear. He struggled amongst them as they dragged him away. Sidelong glances at her, one eye only for to give the whore two eyes would lead to blindness or so they believed. His prayer cap had fallen off and a dusty brown dog snatched it and ran around the corner with it’s prize.

‘The pyramids, we must visit the pyramids’ She whispered loudly. Pyramids? My mind rushing now, every one of her words must be analysed, dissected, crossword puzzles they are, jigsaws of words. An old woman passed us and spat through the circle of her finger and thumb mumbling words and spells as she glanced sidelong at us.

Let them who are ignorant weep, let them who say ‘This She Is’ be cast into the filth they have made and let the true wisdom of the Black Sun be accepted within our hearts. For those that ‘Believe’ are those that are foolish and would fall from the path set by you in your majesty and your wisdom. For is it not said that those who would believe the things they see with their eyes be dressed and thought of as the idiotic? To believe the words of the liars and the thieves who ripped us from your heart to exist in this place? Let them burn within the lights of their false Sun, let them writhe within the filth of their faith. For what wisdom you have given us is felt within the heart not within the mind.

They commit acts of robbery on the sea. The sea is a symbol for the subconscious/unconscious mind, also knowledge, the ‘water of life’, and the anima mundi/the astral plane. So, the ‘Pernod’ being a Resistance fighters drink fits quite nicely…she sipped slowly and spoke after washing the liquid around her mouth ‘We found the Gestapo by the way they drank, beer of course, it was easy..’ she sighed, ‘…I miss those days. Summer 1942’.

I quickly wrote down the number 1-9-4-2. Loose lips Honeybunz. The random slip up. Through her words we may glean the information we need for escape at last, perhaps. Her traps are flesh. She will fuck you to death or confuse you until the only course of action left will be death of course. Sweet nothing, sweetest of things. But my hand was pale and all of the years before were as mere seconds of time as the scene blurred around me and the brothers in the desert moved their attention elsewhere and beckoned me to join them.

It used to be the point when I laughed that the atmosphere grew dim and quiet and the air got quicker the breaths thicker the scene sicker. The point the magic pulled on this world and vomited it’s own madness on the salt circle. The time your foot swept the protective away and let the demon out. You shook and channelled it through and the act was Babbalon me and you the number 1-9-4-2. In the background of the café a radio ‘Saturn 5’ by Inspiral Carpets. Saturn, there again.

Cronus/Saturn also represents physical matter. Eventually all of our physical bodies are going to grow old and die. This is simply Cronus/chronology taking his dues. But, the “spirit” that escapes time through spiritual anger, so to speak, may be likened to Zeus or Jupiter, the element of yourself that has burned through the physical and goes on to something else, another initiation.

Red Whore shine upon us as we breathe these airs they have made. They are the murderers and thieves that come in the night. They are the liars market and the unforgiven. The wavers of flags and the writers of falsehoods. Breathe this air, this fire and this water and begin to see what they have done with us. Fear seeders and bringers of a light artificial, a gathering of fools as they build towers towards that which binds them. We settle ourselves into the cold of the North, the snows and the mountains of your mind if you would give us thought. I issue no command but offer the variable and the crooked staff. I offer the coolness of an air conditioned Hotel room and the ghosts of everybody who laid their heads there.

She came. She stood and you laid your tongue on her fingers and I whispered the prayers to Augustine to keep her happy. You are beautiful you thing, your madness and the urge to kick the salted circle and the pantomime of triangles. Your Egyptian play acting. The cups, the swords, the robes. The bourgeois crystal rubber, the Discordian manager class.


Did Victorian perversions ever tickle your fancy until wreathed in oak leaves and hedgerow bound you skipped out of the circle ?. Chop another fine line, another jewel encrusted road another shroud for errant sins another credit card chopped shallow grin. Tight bonds and order, greater analysis of the act. But you wretch against the gag and don’t pull out any stops. You react Venturi style, all looks to eventually flow out redundant he stiletto kicks a gap in the salt. Babbalon and sainted blood stained fingers shiver on the plastic wood. You sweat in the Cairo heat.

Earlier that day she sat there gasping within the Salt, naked and sweated. Her eyes sucked in the dim light. Her teeth shone like fresh steel. From her mouth the scream of Abbadon set my jaw to pain as my teeth clenched. The sand covered floor. Her breasts rising and falling. She speaks..

What victory do we have? To play at games with the chaotic play acting of your own existence?. A greater thing would be to turn off the flames of YOUR ILLUSION and let you see within the darkness of the Earth and your own ignorance.’ She vomited on the floor. I quickly knelt and traced the loop of a sigil and it looked like the body of a dying man in a hospital bed, those things at the windows? Bars, another man Prisoner. There were pices of half digested food within it and I burst out laughing.

As I ponder under the robe of black, my sweat dripping into the forms the heat rises. In the sand a number forms, 78-29-19-43. The world turns and there is a car, within it a man named John Dillinger and next to him a woman, and it is her. Whoever else would it be?

I have never seen so much Money John” She laughed and shoved her hands deep within the large Carpet bag he had stashed the Bills within. There was close on Thirty Thousand dollars in there. The smell of it made him feel sick, made the ache in his side shiver. He could see spots of blood on the brown leather handle of the bag, in the fine stitching, stained.

Paper that’s all” He said and smiled, although he had shot a Man for it and that mans eyes had burned within Dillinger for the three days since they had held up the Bank, a small Bank in Charlestown Iowa. He shifted a little on the leather seat, his hands tighter now on the wheel. She idly placed her delicate hand in his crotch as they drove, and she smiled at him, her eyes Black. That voice within him again always like a friend at times, but at others a mess of words he never understood. These voices a part of him like an arm or a leg. The symbols meant nothing to him and yet he would scrawl page after page of them. Guardian angel? Or the onset of some insanity? He looked at his hands and the fingertips were bleeding

Draw me sigils, burn them on me, how do you feel anything except a random joy?” She said. How did she know he was thinking of those hours spent on his belly outside in the sun? Sketching firm lines into abstract shapes that to him, meant everything. Fingers stained with graphite and charcoal. Pieces of art that would revolve and spin taking him to places other than this place.

I could finger fuck myself as you sketched”, she looked straight at him, but his eyes were fixed on the road and on the horizon. In his mind words formed as she closed her eyes, a voice, for a moment Pyramids, she was there! What?, then. A tumour for the Liver and some more for his bowels, left side, it was big and he remembered that when they cut it out of him he stood there ethereal just to the side as they dropped the cut away tumour into a stainless steel dish for further tests. The operating theatre had been cold.

Dillinger shook his head as she held his hand. A memory of a surgical procedure he had never had and a glimpse of stainless steel staples within his bloodied hand. The hand now she held and she counted them out for him.

‘A hundred and fifteen staples John, all bright and beautiful all holding you together’ she said. He pulled his shirt out from his trousers to look at his bare unmarked belly as he steered the car down the endless black ribbon. It looked stormy ahead, he needed fuel.

In the desert, the hidden sands the murmuring of his brothers in the evening. The sky purple and swollen. He has a Prisoner in one hand with no name and a man dying in a hospital in the other. Who was this Dillinger? He looked up to see his brothers and listen to their mantras. On the wind a gentle voice. The voice casts words at him, forms them in his mind and sometimes he cannot tell where their voice begins and his own does end. “Your anger, this blackness foul infects and it is lost within the sheets for bitter thankless sex we turn and are lost to them, and never found but we try to bless and utter simple prayers, but we are lost, but seek always, keep on breathing the air”.But sands fall between fingers and a few strides away from him the bleached bones of a Luftwaffe Pilot seemed to swim through the bitter earth. She. The thought of her. Standing by the Pyramids, the hot breeze blows her blonde hair and her thin dress, she laughs.

Carrying a stack of textbooks and paperwork she careered down the corridor amongst the screaming kids and the sullen staff. She reached me, sat, waiting outside the Offices. The books and sheets of paper came spilling from her arms onto the polished floor. She had a Polka dot dress on that modestly covered her annihilations and heels with the strap, tight. Her hair ‘spilled’ ambrosionics, frequencies that made me look away and then hesitate, to help? Or put a first step onto the path of the unrighteous heretic. There is nothing in me except ‘Nomad’. Wanderer, the always lost, taking comfort in the silence between these ghosts and me.

I am a dying man.

I helped pick up the books she dropped in the corridor of the school. It was all a ruse I find out later, to speak to me, to communicate and press the subject further. I could not let flow the slick lies prepared for these occasions, these unsubtle polyphonic slips in the turgid flows between classrooms. Reciting the Bastard-Tropes. She spoke, I was lost straight away. Those clipped vowels that resonance, those lips, those hips. Better to battle away the lines we spill, the lies like vomit. She demanded truth and she got it.But years later she would abandon me and I would not blame her for it and tattooed on my wrist is ‘Nomad’.

Her hand again moving constantly upon him as he tries to concentrate on the ribbon of road. She tips back her head and laughs, her breasts jiggle, enticed he is, animal, predatory and violent. The end had come and he watched the Sky fall and that place be taken away. The breath from his mouth was sucked away from him by the strength, the wrath that fired the ground beneath him and cut away the detritus. Idaho, the black ribbon stretched like dead man skin. Baked by the eye above. He gripped the wheel tighter and increased his speed.

He held the raw Yew tighter as the crucified man wailed strange words at the wind. “Why have you taken me away when things were left undone?” This Man cried out. The sudden blow stricken, tight, too bright for me to see, I feel the anger of a Father, the rough hands of him who makes things, the shavings of Cedar at his feet are fragrant and he walks from his workshop to stand in the cool breeze that blows from the sea, his hands on his hips, proud. The Sun is hot but the sweat on his brow is as refreshing water. He can smell bread from the stoves across the way where the Bakers sing Hymns and songs as they work.

Dillinger shoved the Revolver into the Cops mouth knocking out a Tooth on the way and that tooth fell onto the floor between them. A thin strip of gum, a slick vessel, a spot of blood.

For a moment Dillinger was mesmerised by it. The Cop was choking and kicking his blood spotted legs trying to escape the hand of this Demon with Guns. Dillinger looped the Cops Neck tie around his fist tight and dragged him over the smooth Marble floor of the Bank, over to the door.

People screamed, even the few men folk in there, a mixture of Farmers and tradesmen, Women holding Bank books, a few kids hungry and amazed. There was a speck of blood on his shoe that looked like Oil against the Patent Black leather. Tiles on the floor in a checker board pattern and his feet only touched the black squares. Dillinger took out his colt. On the handle a single Black Horse was carved from Ebony.

‘You Son of a Cunt, You Fucker you fucking Whores Bitch cock sucking Mother fucker’ Dillinger whispered into the Cops ear. Then screamed ‘SHE MAKES ME DO THIS’. The rest of the gang eagerly stuffing banknotes into bags stopped and were confused for a few seconds. The large clock on the wall above the Tellers made a single chime. Time was reset, the sands had fallen channelled into the rocky ground.

The Cop looked angry, violent and this pleased Dillinger, gave him some awful courage to do what he had to do next. Dillinger cocked the hammer of the Revolver and looked away so he didn’t get blood on his face when he fired…..but. Sand blew across the floor

We fucked and were lost for a while you and me. I suspect we could have starved to death in your cold flat as we just fucked for hours. Then you would sleep as I sat on the floor smoking and looking out of the window, My head too fragile to nestle with you in that warmth. What worth is a Magicians hand on HER as if she loved him? He was a worthless thing. Powerful, but worthless. She slept and he watched her. The Birmingham cold seethed into him sat on the floor, by the bed.

Do you remember me Superstar Princess? I saved you from these things, these visions. I kept you safe from harm and that’s why I suffered but couldn’t tell you why.

I see you half asleep on your bed your beautiful body unveiled like a Phoenix, that hair so long, so lush and so teasing. I unbuttoned your shirt and I opened the blinds so the Summer Sun came in. I gently bit your neck and pinched your nipple hard, and you said “Fuck” and had an orgasm that shook your shoulders and made a tendril of your hair slip over your eye. Coiled Gold. Blue eyed. California girl.

Not now”, Dillinger asked the Ether, the river of shit, the Bank became dim as if a dust storm had suddenly descended upon them. The frightened patrons of that place became as Ghosts, their eyes had no sparkle and they became as Puppets as his mind flipped away. Henry holding the Thompson Machine Gun rushed to hold Dillinger erect as he slipped away again, to another place for a moment. The road was straight as an arrow. Iowa, the United States of America. 1934. These memories are like dust in the eyes. Money fell from his hands. Dead unforgiving Presidents, stern.

For a second there as you picked up the fallen papers, your hair brushed my arm and stopped my breath. You smelled of soap and books. It was the whole story I suppose, your will made real, you unlocked the door the Doctors told you that you wouldn’t, or couldn’t. Why are we the enemy, what do we have to face and where do we have to play dead? We are better off I think, ignorant. And things always lean over the bed, always make us suffer. Our ability is foreshortened, we cant play dead any more…

The ache, the wound at his side pulled and pulled the tube from his nose and screamed, it was covered in blood but his throat felt better. He swallowed and the sound made a dry click in the back of his neck. The Nurse ran over to the bed and tutted. The Nurse was a Chinese man as he had a Chinese name.

He was angry as he was supposed to be supervising the Ward. The Nurse was nice, it was a shame he would get in trouble but the tube, it hurt him so bad. The man in the bed lay his head back and gripped the bars that kept him from falling, they were cold. England 2009….but at least the Guards were quiet tonight. They had marched up and down the outside of the cell all day, laughing, pissing underneath the door. He was tired and angry, that anger that makes your chest feel like solid lead. He leapt up from the Urine damp concrete floor and laughed at them through the narrow crack between the door and frame. He abused them as they marched up and down the cast Iron walkway. ‘Fuckers and Bastards’. ‘Who am I?’ he asked himself, but nobody answered. He held his head in his hands, they were scarred with work and filth covered them. There was no time here, just the Prison, black and evil.

Such is the worlds we make for ourselves. We build it’s prisons as well as its palaces.

White clouds, the smell of the leather, her Crimson hair spread across the pillow as sweat drenched ropes are want. Her bluest eyes implored for more of this, the emptiness she craved as her orgasm heightened by gasp and choke she forgets the standards she has set herself, the perfect hem and straightened hair, the gentle touch of her hand as she does what she does in her life, the people she knows, the civility, the conversations with her circle of friends, her husband. Her breasts full, in my hands.

Afterwards. It was like they were both waiting for something to happen, and of course the only thing that was, was them. Her body couldn’t bear the moon outside, she twitched restless and murmured. The Spires of the Church outside looked like horns her hair as ink, her neck brilliant exposed. Her skin was utterly ruthless.

The year we lost the war, they came from God knows where and just took over everything. The few of them they caught in the first few days were idiots to their own but to us we could barely facilitate their communications. Never has ‘alien’ been seen in it’s true context than that day’ She said. She had her hands between her legs again.

How many true Humans do you actually know?’ she asked me.

Four for sure’ I said. The rest lost, only the Wizards and the Goddesses left. Not sure of the rest but the TV still chokes out it’s dramas.

The TV was between channels. Static abstract shapes. Ghost flickers on the polished floor of her bedroom. Cast off clothes as still as that moon. The air was Blue, TV light as diamond. She cries and sobs and my heart is cracked deep like the spine of a ship. I shut my ears. I am not a Shepherd. I am not strong.

Away again, we cradle ourselves and the moon is between the horns and the laces of the mask pull tighter, ever brighter.

1947’ She whispered. That year, that bitter harvest when we lost the war. Like weeds they sprung and silenced us. We paid in spit out blood, we never knew. She looks thinner and I hope it’s an IPhone app, a face contour thing, she makes me breathless and lost. Under the sheet she is inside herself, broken in two, her eyes on the window, the Spires of St Jude. All Hell is what it is I suppose as I listened to her getting hotter, under the veil, under her lack of faith in me.

Somebody has to change, near the end, when we run out of time. I know she has the knowledge of the pain. Her sodden heart yearns for release, from the utter fucking boredom of it but I have little empathy. Acute mathematical problem she is. Formula Slut. But within the salt or without I see her pain, her agonies played out with busy fingers and a busy bee mind, the hive of consequences and settings, the things they would say and do.

Through the car window she would refuse to look at me and talk away, violent talk. But she knew when she looked at me my dull eyes watch and listen but my feet tenderly kiss the edge and I watch the small stones crumble as they fall into the abyss. My deaf ears full of the roaring of the eigen. I don’t understand any of it. But I always said ‘you don’t wanna know honeybuns’, And she did though. She did.

They devour you as you walk pretending you don’t see
The lust from them and the love from me

All the stories were true and we never knew which ones to believe when we see what we need. It makes you wonder how they amplify it when it’s all we ever wanted it to be. It may be simple to you.

The Demons you make

in the witless mind

you may wash them away

with a thought

Later with the sheet wrapped around her tight and my hoody on she took selfies of herself endlessly, letting a breast fall out, coy, sending it to a male admirer, attach image. Her summer soul is free, nobody can take it away. But the photo will mean nothing and it will never hurt him. She laughs and all is good again, but my foot slips a little.

Lay down again and shut out the lipless schemes
The nightmares and the sour dreams
To press your face deep in the grass
Weep less and let the future past
Try to figure the way within, to pry and find feeble minds
Let tasks be done for honoured but forgotten sons

Kick To Kill-We Fuck You Up [Chapter 1]

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Chapter 1

Kick to Kill-We Fuck You Up

Morphine, Cancer, And The Battle With The Demiurge Begins

Here we are. The Nurses bustled around the ward doing Nurse things. This meant that they were busy. They were busy doing Nurse things. That was all my poor brain could think about at that cloudy golden moment. But as I moved something tore at my insides and I was ‘There’. I was there and I was in pain and I wasn’t in that other place. The other place where it was dark and warm unconscious. I could hear a clock either outside of me or inside. Where was I? 23 miles from here and 23 miles from there.

Here the lights from the machines at my side glow through the dimness of my vision. The 10w eyesight of the sickened. I cannot give you my name as I do not know it but they say ‘Michael’ this and ‘Michael’ that. I’m sure the Cops are coming and I sit up even though the pain tears me. I can hear their cars slowing down and see their silhouettes in the interior, their eyes twinkle like stars. Their leather gloves hands grip slicker weapons. They grip Iron and stare.

The Cops, the ones embroiled in the arts of the Great Fantasy, the awful play we are in. I awake screaming and I’m looking for my guns and the sweat that breaks out on my brow as I try to scream hurts me as it pops through the pores of my skin. I fancy I can hear it. The noise of my hands over the clean cotton sheets like a hurricane wind. Sometimes the Nurses have eyes filled with blood, but not always. I fear the Demiurge has got me. Mother I fear the insane thing has me within his hands. Mother I fear it will keep me.

My hand is covered in shit and I don’t know why but I hold it in front of me and try to focus on it but it’s no good. My eyes close and when I ‘awake’ my hand is clean and I am clean, everything is good and warm again but my arm is tangled in tubes. I have tubes in my neck and a tube in my nose and everything is tangled up and I want to cry out to somebody but I haven’t the energy to shout out. The energy is not there. I know I haven’t eaten properly in weeks and I weigh so little that the African Nurses lift me up effortlessly to change the sheets. Angels they are. Soft Angels, beautiful Black skinned Angels. I haven’t accomplished anything here.

I am a slick worm sleeping in a cool folded green leaf and I fold that green into me and dip my head down but I want a cigarette or a spliff and the familiar ache from that want twists up and I’m not a slick worm, I’m a sick worm and the Nurses dip and dive on the edges of my vision and flicker as electric moths through the stagnant glow of the drugs they are putting in me through the tubes. They prance and dance between the beds singing an awful song that has no meaning but to curl up inside the sheets and to place your hands over your ears to shut out the sounds of them. It is the sound of the Abyss and I see it now in front of me and my words here fail me to describe the thing I saw.

‘Let me talk to him’ somebody says. Brittle elastic accent and I fade out to his voice which drones a little as he is telling me about my illness and my hand pale and clean waves him away and a trickle of vomit dribbles from my mouth. Oh sudden sickness why couldn’t you wait for a while before the last fake stand? But milky fluid is coming into my veins and above me a Nurse is holding me down by my shoulders. I have no strength to move her but I don’t care. I love the touch of her upon me.

On the table next to the bed was a plastic cup of water. I wanted it. My throat was dry and cracked, bruised and battered. I tried to reach it and the pain was there again and I was pulled into curled bitter body and there was an elegant simplicity in the pain. It started with a little sweating just enough to make the cotton pyjamas they had found for me stick to my skin which was a sick yellow like a polluted dawn. It would start like an old car turning over in a hot boiled mess in my left side and then spark into life and I would shut my eyes and the tears would make the sunlight fracture into spears of infinite illumination. A sheet snagged on the contraption of needles they had put into my arm and bright blood spilled onto the very white sheets in little drops, like little suns. Little red suns.

She dropped something. She was whoever, a Nurse probably but with the same hard set face the rest had. Happy I was quiet and drugged. My hand was fluttering like a dying bird around the bed sheets, trying to find a gun. Why would I be looking for a gun. I passed out then passed in again and she was gone, her footsteps I could still hear. Flapping.

They are insane. Every ten thousand years we shed our tears as they descend to mock us. What knowledge we have of them is passed down by able men and brave women. The aim of the insane? To prepare Earth for the coming of their King. We think. But she is under me again and my hands are around her throat as she begged me. Her eyes were dimmer at the end of all things and her aching beauty left me alone again as I fucked and kept the pressure on her. She was aloof, half conscious and I slowed my careful hard fucking until she noticed I had stopped strangling her then she was violent, a tantrum, I wasn’t taking her ‘there’ I wasn’t to be the Midwife of her magic.

‘I loved her once’ I said to a flickering figure next to my bed.

I wanted a cigarette, I wanted to smoke a spliff, I wanted everything to dumb down that awful pain. I knew I was repeating myself and it was a black litany of the dying but even the words felt wrong but the action of trying to pull the tubes out meant something, but I did not have the strength.

‘Turn the Morphine up please’

I am locked in the fog again. Visions of the green trees washed with the coolness of the blue sky, of the grey standard street lamps against the blackness of the polluted air above, of the hedges that hide the sins of the countryside. The pains of our existence as I slowly start to become aware of the sounds around me, busy sounds. They are like noisy spiders scuttling across the thin membranes of my consciousness. Torn often by the stabs of pain from somewhere. The impulse to run and to bury my face back into the green grass I had just left. Perhaps it is still flat and ready to spring up again after I had left. Perhaps it is blackened by my unholy self. Perhaps it was never there in the first place.

‘Keep him on the Morphine for now’

Keep me on it forever for all I’m bothered. I want the warmth of it until my body gives up under the torments of it. Let my mind be let free that’s all. Across my abdomen they have cut me and I count the staples they used to bind me back up. I get to 56 and then sleeps, start again 51 start again after I lose count. I get to 115 chrome staples holding my flesh together and I’m not counting any more but pulling them out one by one until the blood makes them slippery and I forget what I’m doing but it’s night and the duty Nurse screams and fetches pads and cloths. There are bandages and they have strapped my arms to the bed. I remember the tree and I used to sit underneath and watch insects and birds fly around it’s branches and heavy limbs.

It was a Beech tree, not a magnificent one, but just enough to enjoy thoroughly. To lay back and look up into it’s branches and limbs curled and twisted to the Sun. The light dribbled through the leaves dappling the ground. As a liquid it was I thought that entered my eyes and was analysed by experience and memory but something lacked, some understanding was missing as a lost jigsaw piece that tumbles from the excited hand and rolled under some item of furniture.

‘His temperature is a little high’

There are no Ogres here. No Witches. The placid dilemmas were gone but the ache remained and I delved the memories and luxuriated in them. I used the soft leaves and golden light as a pillow for the pain. Then silhouetted through the green and gold rays she was there standing over me as Goddess. Which of course was what she was and the sun made her a Halo and her hair was like coiled brass and in the shadow of her hair her eyes, blue like chipped flawed diamond….

The swell of her abdomen is beautiful as Porcelain, dotted with the occasional blemish, patina and I close my eyes as the horizon swallows the sun. A hidden gasp as her self obliterates and births a star that explodes in her body and every ray a joy as her hips rise and we couple, lost. Every node is a Spartan pleasure as she peaks these fingers of mine ache and offer a subtle pain her eyes through the mask plead, and I sink the needle in. Take a breath. A deep one.

I’m looking at the frail body on the Hospital bed lit by blue sparks that remind me of electric fire. Poor Michael. I lean over to push the cup of water to him but he is in another place and my hand moves through it like a ghosts. Then I am in the bed again watching myself try to push the cup closer, a look of concentration on my face as I try.

Is your coat warm enough?

Does a lowering of temperatures bring some sort of stasis, an emotional plateau? Her hair was everywhere again. Sunlight hair that spilled everywhere. When she went to get something out of her bag her ‘stuff’ went everywhere, all over the floor. Everywhere. Now what the fuck did that mean? Everywhere.

‘Witches are always Bitches’

I don’t know any more’ she said. ‘Why I feel the need to fuck so much and each step up the ladder of passion rings the sex out of me further and further and I need it. That Catharsis fuck in order to be material and fresh for you’ She bent and picked up a lipstick and opened her shirt and lay her breasts free from her bra. With the lipstick she scrawled a Sigil upon them and two words. ‘Hard Fuck’. I didn’t know what she was getting at. But there was a Doctor at my side. It said on his badge on his lapel. I smiled and my lips were stuck to my teeth.

‘Are you comfortable Michael?’

I find it hard to be bothered I know that’ I said. I used a wet wipe to clean her off as she stared out of the window like some love lorn poet. Like me probably. With that look that we had that made us stay away from railway stations, steel bridges and high places. I kissed her neck tenderly and smoothed down her hair. Buttoned her back up and dabbed at the tear tracks.

Don’t let this place blind you to what you are darlin’ I said. She smiled, beautiful thing. She broke my heart the first time I saw her and every single time since. In the background the club pulsed in quick finger bursts. There were men waiting for her, to delve her and she wanted them, was hungry for them. I wanted the rain outside and I walked away and left her to it. Opposite the club was a doorway with enough light for me to write as I waited for her. The Sigil she wrote, it looked like a 33. ‘Ah fuck off’ The rain was cold and the door closed behind me shutting out the laughter and the forbidden acts. Demons walked these streets.

‘His Catheter has slipped’

Twist your hands. Rip up the ticket in your pocket into little squares. As you wait. You know five bites on your back are strange and it’s obvious he’s a wicked man. A transparent shadow puppet a fired up case against the holy gleam that is you. The lullaby won’t soothe and the sicker you get, reach out a trembling hand and yet. His feet scrabble the mud at the root of the tree and his number etched is 33. You see, most peoples number is 33.

She teases them with her cum covered breasts. The licking beast and the hypnotised God. The Om is always On and the Hod always full and 33 a number till the demons belly is emptied. Fucking, strangling and it’s all a pretence, an Erisean mystery, a passion puzzle. As I vomited onto the clean sheets I saw through the blue sparks of my vision a limitless green sea of grass that sloped gently away from me. The Abyss, An edge.

Perhaps a Mile away from the edge of the Abyss when it gets too steep to comfortably scrabble down, you will find an Altar. I have no clue who built it or what traveller caused it to be. It is made from what passes as Granite in this place or something similar. On several occasions i have approached it in order to examine it but there is a thicker strand of time here. Carved upon it in twisted pain filled letters are the words ‘Behold the Slut’. There are the remains of fire on the polished top. The wind here moves the tubes that dangle for me gently waving beautiful movement but there is no blood from my wounds. They are dry and painless but the drugs leak out from the severed plastic and it burns the ground as it falls. This poison medicine.

Placing your hands upon it allows you to see the three visions of Summer land. You must be facing away from the Abyss or the Eigengrau will close at the contact of the hands with the stone. The three visions are; The Frosted grass at night, not far from the Inn with books and friends. The Path home with a leather bag and fellow travellers. I sit at the edge of the River (or a bedside) and weep at it’s beauty

The reverse of the three visions are. The Slut displayed and sodomised on the sheets of smooth Irish linen a trail of saliva from her mouth to her breasts. She masturbates furiously whenever she can with the awful truth that she feels. Those fingers rarely stop. Her shirt is far too tight and her breasts are in danger of spilling out but she loves the stares she gets and can’t help herself. I am bleeding again and there is shouting.

They press my neck and insert a thick needle, into my artery. The stick the needles in with a breat piece of cloth. There is blood dripping into my mouth from somewhere. If you are disorientated and close the Eigengrau by standing upon the wrong side then if you have Eris still beside you put your hand upon her throat and one upon your heart. This way the Eigen will rapidly rebuild from the Base Prison Male Monad to the Complex Life Female Monad.

As I lie on the soft grass and the vision of her fades. On the Horizon between the blackness of the Heather the darker skies above streaked with midnight I laugh as they kick me in the balls again. Their anger is sick with passionless embrace soft squeak of boots on the filthy floor of the cell they are artless freak fried and denizens of nothing they fucking permeate the substrate. They try every minute, to see what’s in it for them. The Nurse takes out her breast, pulling it from her starched white uniform. On its white flesh was tattooed the words ‘Kick To Kill-We Fuck You Up’.

‘He’s allergic to Penicillin’

They don’t give you Morphine here unless it makes you sick and as my sickened and frail body twists the sheets into tethers the hospital window has bars upon it, overlaid like a hologram, then like a kids cartoon. The sterile Magnolia coloured walls fade and they are grey concrete. The Nurse smiles and yet between those happy smiles are the long miles, the journey that never ends. Pain house. Black Iron Prison, and yet I don’t know how the scene segues into this awful place or why they have kicked my teeth in. The blood tastes good and I suck the cool air through my lips.

My fingers probe bullet holes in my left side and my hands are wet again. I’ve been Cop shot. My face in the dust looking at dusty shoes, a woman, elegant feet, fat feet, ankles, patent leather work boots.

My tongue feels the cracked and broken stumps and the pain is like six inch screws into my skull. Alas for me, what do I have left? And the February clouds are grey like tall walls or a battlement of some castle. My hand claws at a Doctor by my side but I can’t speak as the Nurse has my tongue between her teeth and she is reciting a mantra of hate for me and I’m unable to reply to the secret questions at all. She has me funked and forgotten. Everybody is wearing black on the ward. They are crying around me and all I can do is mutter rubbish. She bites down on my tongue.

‘I will leave him on the Oxygen for a while’

I was breathing better and now I turned her over and entered her from behind, that way I could hide away from it all. I didn’t have to look at her. She was the Mogadon Medusa,the Tramodol Princess she would have me crawling over glass to her feet before long. I knew it. She desires nothing but attention, everything is for sale, everything she wants to give away. Fantasies and memories intertwined like bad tattoos, the blood mixing with the ink, the juices a cocktail. I wrap her hair around my hand and force her face onto the mirror and the small white heaps and geometry of good cocaine. She licks at it grunting, her eyes are closed.

That bit you have left for yourself, that you share, They pick like scavengers and thieves, kick like a Donkeys,smile like Priests, They feign sicker minds than yours I laugh through broken teeth and a mask of blood what loves to give eh?, If you could be arsed you would sit and fiddle while home burns, you sit and feel the pain of bones too sick and tired to heal.

What fucking clues do you have you peel aside and reveal a sour eyed cunt with no heart to feel? I put my hands up in front of me and the finger nails on them are broken and scarred, there is blood there, and on the knuckles, I have been digging through the walls. In front of my upon the dead man grey of the wall I had scored a multitude of accurate and complex geometries as old as the world. Here was my control. A Nurse put my hands down and took my temperature with an electronic thermometer which beeped loudly.

This presence I have to know walks alone and I see you as players on a stage to preen fully conversant and comfortable in this place you have made yet you castigate me with lashes of dire need.

The flashing of your teeth in the dark led me to believe I was safe here but it was not to be as every time we believe them for our own sanity they plot the ways to grind you up, spit you out these creatures, these lesser beasts, The number of my hospital bed is 33A and the number of the cell he sits within nursing his painful mouth is also 33.Three bullet holes.

An old man shambles over to me from the bed opposite me. Three beds on that side and three on this side. He is naked and yellow from his sickness and his eyes looked as old poached eggs. I am fastened to my bed and me here in pain and I think he’s coming to hurt me and the Nurses don’t know. He slides each foot with deliberate care and the noise it makes inside my aching head is a wave gently breaking on a shore somewhere cool and Northerly. He reaches my bedside and his hard hand bunches up the front of my pyjamas and he pulls me up inches from his face which is lined so deep that dirt has collected within the folds. Wax he is but vehement and he hisses at me with breath that stinks of illness.

Empire. It is that which is, within and without.”he whispers and I am off and gone again into the warmth of the drugs, the cleanness of the sheet, the unfettered sleep of the nearly dead. For isn’t it said that the Shaman of the village is the most idle? The most apt to close he eyes against the work that must be done?

N.I.T.W.I.T.N.I.T.N

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2010 Burned book found on an old laptop

White clouds, the smell of the leather, her Crimson hair spread across the pillow as sweat drenched ropes are want. Her eyes implored for more of this, the emptiness she craved as her orgasm heightened by gasp and choke she forgets the standards she has set herself, the perfect hem and straightened hair, the gentle touch of her hand as she does what she does in her life, the people she knows, the civility, the conversations with her circle of friends, her lovers. Her breasts full, in my hands.

Afterwards. It was like they were both waiting for something to happen, and of course the only thing that was, was them. Her body couldn’t bear the moon outside, she twitched restless and murmured. The Spires of the Church outside looked like horns her hair as ink, her neck brilliant exposed. Her skin was utterly ruthless.

The year we lost the war, they came from God knows where and just took over everything. The few of them they caught in the first few days were idiots to their own but to us we could barely facilitate their communications. Never has ‘alien’ been seen in it’s true context than that day’ She said. She had her hands between her legs again.

How many true Humans do you actually know?’ she asked me.

Somebody has to change, near the end, when we run out of time. I know she has the knowledge of the pain. Her sodden heart yearns for release, from the utter fucking boredom of it but I have little empathy. Acute mathematical problem she is. Formula Slut. But within the salt or without I see her pain, her agonies played out with busy fingers and a busy bee mind, the hive of consequences and settings, the things they would say and do.The Lock.

The lock has 365 parts and after it was made the Locksmith was taken away and shot through the eyes with a Luger pistol, then shot through both wrists with a Russian Nagan and symbolically through the Ankles with a 1911 US Colt. I don’t know how I know this. This lock will never be picked, lashed with a Magik so strong it would take its maker to reveal them. This cursed place occupies no land only a wind and rain lashed blackness. Above it, two Suns arc over the place offering the palest shadow and stinking joy. Around it the land is damp and cold. The small trees and shrubs are forced to reveal themselves. Their stems as twisted Colons.

It is said that Satan himself asked to see this place so that he may learn of the things we make and the construction of them so he himself may build one and enjoy the suffering of the ignorant. It is also said that at the doors of the Prison he stopped and reached out his hand to touch the lock and he touched it not but withdrew his hand a little. He pursed his beautiful lips it was said and a tear fell from his eye.“In all my pantomimes, I have never mocked my Father as this does”. The words of Satan dull whipped by the acid wind. swept away by the bitter whispers from the lock.

I feel that Redness spread beneath me as I sit and watch her move around the Hotel room. Doing Woman things, a strange ritual that involves nothing at all but filling Time. Her back to me. Delicious, and I lay my Gun down on my lap. She talks of course, never stops. But between the pauses I bring the Gun to my lips and then she starts talking again and I lower it. Up and down, all around. She speaks and I stop trying to shoot myself through the rood of my mouth but now my mouth tastes of Oil and if she asks me to speak I fear I may vomit.

We were driving fast. faster than I should have and she laughed and tipped back her head and her hair free, blew like a storm from the open window. She dropped her hand into my lap and held me tight, kissed me her lips tasted of the Tangerines from the roadside stall.

These fantasies. I didn’t even know who she was or what she was doing within and without of me. Her name now I forget. But the nights are etched in lines of Sapphire and Ruby inlaid in to my very veins. The blue and the red. The Sapphire the promise of peace and quiet, the only sound the gentle plumbing of the circulatory system as it chugs around the veins. The air on an insects wing. A cloud falling.

Redemption Red. The promise of forgiveness of sins forgotten and the sweet whispers in the cold that at the end ,you will judge yourself.

In the crowd somebody had a bag of Oranges, I smelled them, strong. How I had felt, in the Hotel, those hollow things that tumbled from my sick mind. What fantasies. The sweat on by back ran in rivers and the shirt stuck to skin effortlessly. Her hand on a shop window traces sigils. Fingers fast. The sun hot lowering, the dust thick, the smell of gasoline, the smell of beast and demon. My mind whirls again, not here in the street please, not yet. But the stars whirl and I reach for he and she laughs and her mouth moves, but I hear nothing except the slamming of cell doors and a strange musical note of distress, no. Pain.

I may hand him my pain, hold it in my hand and he will reach out of course to hold it, to take it from me and then in that moment let it fall between us. It lies sodden and damp, black and aching upon the floor. I sweep it up but he is gone and another stands there, it is the future and he stands in a cemetery. Even I as hooded as a Crow cannot feel this movement as one soul segues into another. A Robber speeding through the desert, a Teacher fucking in a Graveyard.

The Morphine was good and warm like angels blood. He couldn’t move, the pain was far too much. It was an abstract thing now. The Pike in the reed beds. Knowledge of it but hidden under the swathes of the Opium Poppy. The curtain of silk. He slept he woke and ate. He moved seldom. The staples they had fastened him back together were hidden under numerous dressings and bandages. There was blood there and some stinking yellow discharge. On the left of his body a flesh coloured colostomy bag. He didn’t comprehend that. This bag full of yellow shit. It needed emptying but nobody told him what to do and he lay there, his throat cracked and dry, too weak to utter a simple request.

The button connected to a lead, connected to a machine, a bag within it. A bag of happiness, a bag of pain forgetting…

He dreamed of her the Night before. She was writhing on top of another guy, his cock deep in her and she arching that back, like a piece of Art she was, like sculpting oil. It was raining on a Silver car, far in the future he thought,But firmly in the non existent past, in a cemetery. He stood by the Car and watched them fuck. He pulled his collar up against the cold rain he felt drip down his neck. He was close to the Car, he saw through the rain streaked glass her passion, her ultimate play. She curled her lip like a Dog, like she had to bite. She clawed her own breasts in passion. My hand when I awoke was wet from the rain when I leaned upon the cold metal roof of the car as they fucked. I touched my tongue to it and tasted it.

Why was I dressed so strangely in the dream? The Car looked like an aeroplane, chrome and Silver paint. The Glass was tinted with a Green colour. The inside looked comfortable and strange but the land around the Car so dreary and Grey. Like being inside an old Glass Bottle. I felt like I knew the people fucking inside the Car, so much that I could smell and feel her in my hands and a crushing knowledge that I needed to escape that life. In my pocket a Coil of Rope.

She smiled in the Car. That smile she does to all men and they love her for it. She would cast herself on to the hood and let their dirty fingers probe the delicate parts of her body, rough as they have no politeness, no art in what they do. They stumble and they groan and she would moan for she knows that she has a power over them. The creator of course, the Scarlet womb, the giver.

They would chasten themselves after for their madness but she would be long gone. They would paw her breasts like beasts and push her legs asunder and she would cry out as if they were the very incarnation of Halabat the Great Lover of the ages who made women scream in pleasure.

Does she? Watching the Attendant smear the filth of flattened Fly further over the glass she watched and parted her legs a little and let her soft hand fall between her legs to her panties that finest slip of material between the sweet air and the sweeter dew. He watched her gently slip a hand into them and to press a little, the finest of pressures to alleviate the need, the strength inside, to let it out. He watched and she let her head turn, towards Dillinger just staring into the sky alone with his though. Outside the car the attendant a mere slip of a man aged possibly twenty five or forty five years old she never cared.

She unbuttoned the top three buttons of her dress and let her breasts feel the encroaching night the enchanted evening to come. Her nipples swelled as she felt the eyes of the fuel stunk man outside pressing his crotch gently on the paintwork of the car.

His hands moved fast within the circle and he smashed his head on the floor to encourage more blood, more ink for the magic. Sweep of the hand for this and smear of the blood for that he constructed and made events until at last the movements of the sigils were brazen and physical. He sat back quiet and contemplating as his blood dripped off the end of his nose to the floor.

He looked at her smiling and smiled himself, despite the pain. In the Circle clouds made shapes of a woman laughing at something. Her sunglasses are high, pushed back on her head. Her breasts bounce as she laughs and the sun shines. The fuel push-rod on the Car is worn and in the distance an insane Farmer idly pushes the dirt,

There she stood and framed herself in the mighty sun and she shone like an Angel. The wind blew and her hair moved with it and got in her eye and she laughed and spluttered as one went in her mouth she leaned against the Car and her Red dress tightened across her belly her hips bumped as she laughed and covered her mouth as she was shy now, who knew why.

Her eyes told a story made free with sun frozen stars so bright speckled and golden like little suns in the Desert night cool air. Her feet are dirty I clean them with some bottled water and she laughs as the water is cold, but her feet are clean. I light a spliff and a radio somewhere is blaring out the Crosby Stills Nash and Young track ‘You don’t have to cry’. She laughs and sings along while things get hazy for me.

She tosses her hair back and laughs again, she doesn’t care, never did. She hid her fears all through those long years. Kept them close like Jewels, or sick Dogs depending on how she felt that minute. I know her, I bless her, she made me lost. Inside the car is hot, but we laugh and don’t care, fuck the heat and fuck them too.